I'm sensitive about my shit! [You know too much]

Fun SHIT!!! My ish! This is my move....
I sway, I stay, that's just my mood
Call me iffy, call me stable. It's just my groove
Get away, you don't me know me. This is my 'tude.
I believe, I hope I can't deny
My truth! My proof. I'm just that fly
Weighted heart, airless love. I can't withhold
All this passion, uncensored fashion. This is who I behold.
Lion's roar, ram's fight. We are the same.
Guilty pains, filtered lies. This is our way.
But I forgave, I've moved on. Please don't pull away.
My efforts, my changes. It's just what I'll do
Because this broken heart, and tired soul
Won't ever stop loving you.

Where am I? Where am I going?

Over the past couple of months the never-escaping question that keeps haunting me has been...where am I? and where am I going? It would seem as though one would know that creeping upon their 24th birthday however, I do not. All that I do know that I can confidently speak on is that I do have some slightly defined goal in mind to become a Pediatric Nurse Practioner and Nurse Case Manager. I am not however, 100% sure how it is I am to accomplish this goal. It seems as though I have missed some steps in trying to reach my degree to become a nurse and in by doing so I have led myself into complete anxiety and overwhelming stress in the workings of being a slave to my current profession as a social worker. I never would have imagined that I would be where I am now. The fear that I could possibly be caught lost in my efforts to be more than my degree is a scary thought and I am battling within myself the motivation to push through. Nonetheless with a little help from friends and family I do know the intended vision in mind is one that will be quite gratifying yet a tedious and challenging process to attain. I can no longer blame any shortcomings on those who do not understand why I have been brought here. In my own way I talk myself out of my own ability to succeed and it is scary. Instead of carrying my goals and ambitions confidently I have been searching for means of finding an easier way out. What does one do when they do not know what dto do? Get some advice.

That's my first step.

I will continue to journey on.

What to do?

Have you ever felt like you have everything found out
Like as though, you were the last to know
But now know more than you knew before?
As though your clairvoyance voyaged you to the inevitable?
Typically ending in the most atypical way
Generally beginning with the generic play
Beyond what could have been predicted
But yet forseen consquences seen and acted
With actions stifling the partnered emotions
You are left speechless.
I knew everything
But never was enough.
I got everything figured out
All except for myself.

Dues

Have I not been here long enough
Paying my dues
Been trident and true
But still so much more that I've been through
Slowly eliminating my inhibitions
A love in submission,
In this position to possibly
Losing a piece of me
To sacrifice for a greater WE.
We, he, I...working towards something heavenly
I have been drained of this energy
Made into a pawn of what my love
Consequently produced, a meek partner
Quietly conceding to your actions
Adulterous motives, hidden in your speech
Breaking what was suppose to be a stronger I
In my eyes I see the deterioration of my I
My life, my integrity, my dignity
Falling into the fragments of what our WE
Was initially suppose to be.
I discovered your lies
Written over and over,
And not to just I, to her, to she, but
Most importantly, me!
This me was meant to be protected
Sacred, respected
Never neglected, tarnished or hurt
Diminished to just the side of your affections
Just the leftovers of your passion
Wasted time on what you wanted more
Here I was still standing faithfully
Abiding to the rules of this partnership
Regarded but never genuinely cared
I still wonder what more I can do
To produce in you
That sweet thought of me
That innocence of just our WE, but
Have I not been here long enough?

Unspoken

Voice shattered
Thoughts scattered
Of words left unspoken.
In my most intimate of times
I wished for the courage
To tell you everything I've ever felt.
Where does strength lie in such a big heart?
Cluttered by my own disasterous intentions
Afraid of what may still be your response.
All these words left unsaid
Linger in between the space in which
I let silence mellow.
In my quiet I hope you notice
Just what my heart truly desires to say.
All these muttered words just sitting in my hand
It is better to have said it all
Then to say nothing at all
Yet my reserve keeps my passions preserved
And still I've never uttered a word
Because maybe you would not know what to do with them.
Maybe these muted words are better left in my mind
Safely concealed for a more appropriate time
A time where I intrepidly speak with integrity
Just to tell you all I should have said before.
How nothing truly ever mattered more
And that I will be patiently and faithfully waiting
In this tested storm,
Until my unspoken words have the power to create our calm.

My Affair

I am having an affair!!
Yes it is the best kind
Two years of what I knew would never end
The one that wakes you in the night
Steaming over the dreaming you had this time
Wet with desire, dampened by lust
Desiring more than a sensual touch
This affair is one that is endless
Constantly following me
I fall asleep to it every night
Smile lovingly at it every morning
My secret affair got me caught up
Missing hours at work
Making me late for class
Staring helplessly at it each and every day
My affair runs deep and strong
This affair has been running its course
Reminding me that love can spring from lust
That pleasure can ignite a flaming spark
One not easily extinguished by yesterdays memories
This affair is endearing
Endearing just to me
But more than just physically
Mentally captivating
Emotionally stimulating
Its more than just an affair
We are promised,
Not a secret anymore.
But wouldn't you like to know?

Shackles

I can't quite explain the phenomena of not having the words to explain
It's eerie to be so well versed and knowleged but never knowing how to use it
Stifled by the sensitivities that surround these inequities
Bounded by the controversy hidden in this mystery
For better would just to be quiet
However, I've never been a person to be speechless
In this moment I am more than my mind can endure
My thoughts racing with the confusions still cluttering my heart
Vocabulary uttering melodies of what the uncensories were told to mute
Without my lips, my voice, my mouth I am just a shell of what rules have enforced
Too many rules telling me what I cannot do
Bonded to these rules but repeated threats of the consequence
Broken inside because I cannot cry about the wrongdoing
I have been wronged, again and again.
Did you witness the crime?
Chalked out for the public to see, but the media was not covering my story
Better yet yours, the one that begged for everyone's woes, sympathy, empathy
What a pity it must be to always being felt sorry for
Yes, I was left here cold and sore
Yearning for more than just some attention, but instead sincerity
I rather be fed the truth than be satisfied by a helpful filling of lies
Because trapped in my eyes are stories untold and unheard
Still witnessing the chase that was not following me
I am yet another victim of a foolish whim and risk taken
I cheated the system and found a way in...
But not lucky or victorious because for every cheat finds a worser sin
Greed, wanting it all, leaving nothing behind.
But yes overtime my mouth will one day speak
I will no longer be afraid to just be me.
To just live, open and free.