Brain is frantic
I'm slipping into pieces
Fragmented thoughts
Living in moments when I can breath a little longer
Tormented by poor decisions
Jumbled ideas
Torn emotions
Wanting solid ground,
Stable footing,
Somewhere to sit my worries.
Collecting now just chaos.
What could my future be?
Where am I really going?
Success before me,
Hands outstretched...
I want it all.
Never stopping, still pushing forward.
But these clouded thoughts keep holding me back
Suffocating my creativity
Imposing on my ability to live
Stifling my passion to sprint
Boggled mind, spilling my uncensories.
My stirred mind computing floods of improper thoughts.
My mouth knowing no bounds
Spouting more than just postulations
But more like the truth,
The truth hurts worse, than anything I can bring myself to do to you.
Cutting words like a dagger into souls of aloofness
Don't be caught not knowing what to say
This scrambled brain is hanging on the edge.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Heaven Can Wait
You’re beautiful,
Each moment spent with you is simply wonderful
This love I have for you boy it’s incredible
And I don’t know what I’d do, if I can’t be with you
The world could not go on so every night I pray
If the Lord should come for me before I wake
I wouldn’t wanna go if I can’t see your face, can’t hold you close
What good would Heaven be
If the angels came for me I’d tell them no
Unthinkable
Me sitting up in the clouds and you're here all alone
The time would come around when you would be moving on
I'd turn it all around, and try to come back down
Can't stand to see nobody with you, because it hurts
Couldn't take nobody loving you the way we were
What good would heaven be
If the angels came for me I'd tell them no
I don’t want nobody else to hold you
That’s a chance I’ll take
Baby I’ll stay, Heaven can wait
No, if the angels took me from this earth
I would tell them bring me back to him
It’s a chance I’ll take, maybe I’ll stay
Heaven can wait
Oh no, can’t be without my baby
Won’t go, without him I’d go crazy
Oh no, guess Heaven will be waiting...
>>>Written by: Michael Jackson
Each moment spent with you is simply wonderful
This love I have for you boy it’s incredible
And I don’t know what I’d do, if I can’t be with you
The world could not go on so every night I pray
If the Lord should come for me before I wake
I wouldn’t wanna go if I can’t see your face, can’t hold you close
What good would Heaven be
If the angels came for me I’d tell them no
Unthinkable
Me sitting up in the clouds and you're here all alone
The time would come around when you would be moving on
I'd turn it all around, and try to come back down
Can't stand to see nobody with you, because it hurts
Couldn't take nobody loving you the way we were
What good would heaven be
If the angels came for me I'd tell them no
I don’t want nobody else to hold you
That’s a chance I’ll take
Baby I’ll stay, Heaven can wait
No, if the angels took me from this earth
I would tell them bring me back to him
It’s a chance I’ll take, maybe I’ll stay
Heaven can wait
Oh no, can’t be without my baby
Won’t go, without him I’d go crazy
Oh no, guess Heaven will be waiting...
>>>Written by: Michael Jackson
Friday, June 22, 2012
Baggage....time to lighten my load!
I'm half way through this book and I can honestly say that I love it!
Wish I had read this like 6 months ago, maybe I would have known then how to love.
How my passions, dreams and expectations do not automatically mean it will be respected by my partner as well.
That nagging someone about something I stand for does not mean they will pay it any attention if they are not ready.
I took a leap after love and cried the exact same tears done from the last.
Is it that my generation of black men are afraid of commitment?
Does being with one black women scare them?
I'll admit I've had my fair share of challenges and trust issues...
The bags in which I thought I had thrown away came creeping through my back door.
I brought along with my heart, a handful of baggage!
Bags in which he was not deserving of,
Bags in which he should not have had to deal with.
I brought my insecurities and fears.
I know now that I should have followed my instincts and addressed these concerns boldly.
Being in love with love got me caught in a game, again.
I was in love with a man who was in love with a woman who was in love with my man who was suppose to be loving me.
Triangled confusion, I kept it trucking.
Hoping that I was the cure to the heart's confused direction.
No, I am no one's answer to love.
I was simply myself, responding to what I thought had already been solved.
I should have left my bags and carried my confidence, sincerity, pride,
Heart, gentleness, forgiveness, humility, trust and love with me...
But instead I brought my baggage.
My bags filled with past hurts, with remembered lies, games and lines.
My bags were heavy, still on edge from the previous
I brought my bags to build my wall to protect the heart I should have shared unconditionally.
Yes, I loved my leo endlessly but my love was conditioned by the amount of pain I could endure.
I felt the blows from every dagger he shot at me when he said it was through.
I felt the sharp twists of the knife everytime I realized I had been lied to.
I felt the bruises from when he could only mention "I love you's" in theory
But easily spoke it through passing conversations with the other.
My bags built my fort so that I could predict every attack, and even then they failed me.
My baggage did me no good.
I'm working to lighten my load, so that my love is not weighed down by yesterday's tears.
Dieting my bags so that it's not holding yesterday's fears.
My love should not come in overwhelming the one I love.
Dropping my bags so that I can hold onto my love, heart, and future instead.
Praying for better tomorrow's starts with my own change.
No longer afraid of my hurt because I'm aiming for real love.
Love is blind, but my eyes are now open.
It was not all my fault, neither his.
But we will get it together and I will come back in his arms much 'lighter'.
No more drama, no more baggage.
>>>with all my love, forever and always love u dm.
Wish I had read this like 6 months ago, maybe I would have known then how to love.
How my passions, dreams and expectations do not automatically mean it will be respected by my partner as well.
That nagging someone about something I stand for does not mean they will pay it any attention if they are not ready.
I took a leap after love and cried the exact same tears done from the last.
Is it that my generation of black men are afraid of commitment?
Does being with one black women scare them?
I'll admit I've had my fair share of challenges and trust issues...
The bags in which I thought I had thrown away came creeping through my back door.
I brought along with my heart, a handful of baggage!
Bags in which he was not deserving of,
Bags in which he should not have had to deal with.
I brought my insecurities and fears.
I know now that I should have followed my instincts and addressed these concerns boldly.
Being in love with love got me caught in a game, again.
I was in love with a man who was in love with a woman who was in love with my man who was suppose to be loving me.
Triangled confusion, I kept it trucking.
Hoping that I was the cure to the heart's confused direction.
No, I am no one's answer to love.
I was simply myself, responding to what I thought had already been solved.
I should have left my bags and carried my confidence, sincerity, pride,
Heart, gentleness, forgiveness, humility, trust and love with me...
But instead I brought my baggage.
My bags filled with past hurts, with remembered lies, games and lines.
My bags were heavy, still on edge from the previous
I brought my bags to build my wall to protect the heart I should have shared unconditionally.
Yes, I loved my leo endlessly but my love was conditioned by the amount of pain I could endure.
I felt the blows from every dagger he shot at me when he said it was through.
I felt the sharp twists of the knife everytime I realized I had been lied to.
I felt the bruises from when he could only mention "I love you's" in theory
But easily spoke it through passing conversations with the other.
My bags built my fort so that I could predict every attack, and even then they failed me.
My baggage did me no good.
I'm working to lighten my load, so that my love is not weighed down by yesterday's tears.
Dieting my bags so that it's not holding yesterday's fears.
My love should not come in overwhelming the one I love.
Dropping my bags so that I can hold onto my love, heart, and future instead.
Praying for better tomorrow's starts with my own change.
No longer afraid of my hurt because I'm aiming for real love.
Love is blind, but my eyes are now open.
It was not all my fault, neither his.
But we will get it together and I will come back in his arms much 'lighter'.
No more drama, no more baggage.
>>>with all my love, forever and always love u dm.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Broken
I don't know what makes me so self destructive.
I could drown in the tears I've cried.
Burning and pushing away the only people I hold dear.
Wanting to keep them close but afraid of being hurt.
Past fears and wounds almost still too fresh to recover.
Friends, lovers, trusted ones turning the knife in the back
That they were suppose to have, suppose to watch.
I'm crumbling and taking down everyone with me.
This hurts and I've brought it down on myself.
I could drown in the tears I'm crying.
And it's nobodys fault but mine.
I could drown in the tears I've cried.
Burning and pushing away the only people I hold dear.
Wanting to keep them close but afraid of being hurt.
Past fears and wounds almost still too fresh to recover.
Friends, lovers, trusted ones turning the knife in the back
That they were suppose to have, suppose to watch.
I'm crumbling and taking down everyone with me.
This hurts and I've brought it down on myself.
I could drown in the tears I'm crying.
And it's nobodys fault but mine.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Mistake.
Miscommunicated emotions,
Misunderstood intentions.
What I said was not meant to hurt you,
But to make you aware that I know you.
That I see you, not for who you pretended to be
But for who you are.
I misinterpreted your motives,
Thinking that they were contrived against me.
Wanting to have the cake and eat it to,
I misbelieved that you could love only one.
I misjudged where I stood.
Misallocated feelings, telling me that I was being burnt.
Being made a fool.
Misguided emotions led me to this chase
Going 70 miles per hour down a city street
Trying to eye your passanger secrets
Misplacing my senses, with avid rage
I raced you to the truth to find what I've feared all along.
I feared the truth.
I feared knowing that I was not the only one.
Miscalculated steps, moving at such a pace that
I honestly missed a step.
The step where I was suppose to trust.
That at 2 in the morning I knew you were coming back.
Call me crazy, yes that I am.
No it's not misspelled, that I am, crazy for you.
Needing no affirmation of the fact,
My heart has always missed a beat,
In your presence, awaiting that kiss.
What I said in anger was a miscall
One I wish even now I could take back.
With tears swelled in my eyes, yes
I've missed those calls in which I knew to recall right back
The memories of happier times.
Left only in misery now as I disembark on the road together.
Yet now temporarily apart...yes I miss your love.
Miss being held in those arms telling me that I'm the one.
No not perfect, we were perfect misfits of love.
Loving each others mischievious ambitions,
Fitting almost perfectly into one another's lives.
The misfortune of those dreadful events led us to this moment
Led us to finding out where we were meant to be.
We were meant to be fixed,
Meant to fix the kinks in this misevaluated union.
Meant to adjust the misaligned notions that all things fall together in time.
No, all things come together with effort, with hard work.
You misconstrued the meaning of starting anew...
No not without you, but to be moving together side by side.
Starting fresh with a clean slate.
Mishandled honesty, now to be taken appropriately.
Friends in the mystic of friendship, courtship, relationship.
Growing, developing more than before.
Our mismanaged attempts will not end in vain
Managing a better path to what shall breed happiness in its truest form.
Foundation of honesty and truth without the misperceptions.
Misread solutions now discovering our new resolution.
Have I told you how handsome I think you are?
Mmm, yes I find you to be atonishing.
I'll still give you my heart, because as for my part
It was truly a mistake.
Still here fighting to the bitter end for our renewed love, peace and happiness.
Love you peezy <3
Misunderstood intentions.
What I said was not meant to hurt you,
But to make you aware that I know you.
That I see you, not for who you pretended to be
But for who you are.
I misinterpreted your motives,
Thinking that they were contrived against me.
Wanting to have the cake and eat it to,
I misbelieved that you could love only one.
I misjudged where I stood.
Misallocated feelings, telling me that I was being burnt.
Being made a fool.
Misguided emotions led me to this chase
Going 70 miles per hour down a city street
Trying to eye your passanger secrets
Misplacing my senses, with avid rage
I raced you to the truth to find what I've feared all along.
I feared the truth.
I feared knowing that I was not the only one.
Miscalculated steps, moving at such a pace that
I honestly missed a step.
The step where I was suppose to trust.
That at 2 in the morning I knew you were coming back.
Call me crazy, yes that I am.
No it's not misspelled, that I am, crazy for you.
Needing no affirmation of the fact,
My heart has always missed a beat,
In your presence, awaiting that kiss.
What I said in anger was a miscall
One I wish even now I could take back.
With tears swelled in my eyes, yes
I've missed those calls in which I knew to recall right back
The memories of happier times.
Left only in misery now as I disembark on the road together.
Yet now temporarily apart...yes I miss your love.
Miss being held in those arms telling me that I'm the one.
No not perfect, we were perfect misfits of love.
Loving each others mischievious ambitions,
Fitting almost perfectly into one another's lives.
The misfortune of those dreadful events led us to this moment
Led us to finding out where we were meant to be.
We were meant to be fixed,
Meant to fix the kinks in this misevaluated union.
Meant to adjust the misaligned notions that all things fall together in time.
No, all things come together with effort, with hard work.
You misconstrued the meaning of starting anew...
No not without you, but to be moving together side by side.
Starting fresh with a clean slate.
Mishandled honesty, now to be taken appropriately.
Friends in the mystic of friendship, courtship, relationship.
Growing, developing more than before.
Our mismanaged attempts will not end in vain
Managing a better path to what shall breed happiness in its truest form.
Foundation of honesty and truth without the misperceptions.
Misread solutions now discovering our new resolution.
Have I told you how handsome I think you are?
Mmm, yes I find you to be atonishing.
I'll still give you my heart, because as for my part
It was truly a mistake.
Still here fighting to the bitter end for our renewed love, peace and happiness.
Love you peezy <3
Dating!!
So I've recently made a major breakthrough in my relationship....I'm calling it a breakthrough because all feelings and truths were laid open and bare, it was finally an eye-opening moment when I realized aha, this has been the problem all along.
>>>It's always been easy to point the finger and say its someone's fault but in reality the fault never lied between me or my partner....we simply didn't know how to love, how to date, how to be real and vulnerable.
On this journey to real love I'm gonna open up more than ever! It's scary and I'm not sure I'm fully prepared for what that may entail but I definitely want to put my best foot forward and prove that I'm in it 100%! Love for me means soooo many different things but above all it means: SACRIFICE and COMPROMISE! Being able to work with someone and give up something for the sake of peace, happiness and love :) I'm willing to set aside my pride, fears, insecurities, games, tricks, skepticism, hesistation, and worry in order to make it work....and that is not easy! I've been a girl through love spells and this is my third crack at it, so I'm hoping it's well worth the work. This man will be the death of me I'm sure and I know I'm a tough cookie to crack but he takes it all in stride and I love him for that.
>>>So I decided for the next month I'm gonna delve head first into a good read called: "The Conversation" by Hill Harper. This book is all about How men and women can build loving, trusting relationships and I think it may hold the answer to my dying questions and concerns. This book is a New York Bestseller and has gotten rave reviews. So we'll see what all the hype is about and I'll update this periodically with some learned lessons and epiphanies and changes within my expanding relationship. I wear many hats and today I am the student again, ready and willing to learn :)
Stay tuned....
>>>It's always been easy to point the finger and say its someone's fault but in reality the fault never lied between me or my partner....we simply didn't know how to love, how to date, how to be real and vulnerable.
On this journey to real love I'm gonna open up more than ever! It's scary and I'm not sure I'm fully prepared for what that may entail but I definitely want to put my best foot forward and prove that I'm in it 100%! Love for me means soooo many different things but above all it means: SACRIFICE and COMPROMISE! Being able to work with someone and give up something for the sake of peace, happiness and love :) I'm willing to set aside my pride, fears, insecurities, games, tricks, skepticism, hesistation, and worry in order to make it work....and that is not easy! I've been a girl through love spells and this is my third crack at it, so I'm hoping it's well worth the work. This man will be the death of me I'm sure and I know I'm a tough cookie to crack but he takes it all in stride and I love him for that.
>>>So I decided for the next month I'm gonna delve head first into a good read called: "The Conversation" by Hill Harper. This book is all about How men and women can build loving, trusting relationships and I think it may hold the answer to my dying questions and concerns. This book is a New York Bestseller and has gotten rave reviews. So we'll see what all the hype is about and I'll update this periodically with some learned lessons and epiphanies and changes within my expanding relationship. I wear many hats and today I am the student again, ready and willing to learn :)
Stay tuned....
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Could it be...
It is possible that I came at this wrong...
Started to early, wanted too much.
I couldn't be everything expected all at once.
I've failed in promising it as so.
Perfection only to have been perfected so long ago
With such an innocence face,
Something resembling what could not have been seen as perfect.
All that matters in the end is to see the victory.
To know that we have come back on top.
To know that we have survived the climb.
I'm hoping for restoration.
To be revived and made anew.
Though I had a hand in this. I still blame you.
Let me down, I've done you worse...
Do you believe you're missin' out
That everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in my bed
The night's hard to get through...
Well, Jesus Christ, I'm alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.
Started to early, wanted too much.
I couldn't be everything expected all at once.
I've failed in promising it as so.
Perfection only to have been perfected so long ago
With such an innocence face,
Something resembling what could not have been seen as perfect.
All that matters in the end is to see the victory.
To know that we have come back on top.
To know that we have survived the climb.
I'm hoping for restoration.
To be revived and made anew.
Though I had a hand in this. I still blame you.
Let me down, I've done you worse...
Do you believe you're missin' out
That everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in my bed
The night's hard to get through...
Well, Jesus Christ, I'm alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Jailbird *tweet tweet*
Stop accusing me for shit I haven't done!
More than just your words
It was your tone
Telling me that I was wrong
And in my fear of being alone
I carried that scarlet
Letters captured in sentences
Pledging me guilty
Sentencing me to judgment
To forever be on trial for the same bull
I've said it before, it wasn't me
Falling victim to accusations
False evidences built up towards the sky
A gavel punishing my name
My image, my reputation, credibility?!
It was I that still took that blame
Hoping that peace be the consequence
Failed memories, forgotten lies
Still picturing my demise
Branding me a harlot
Words flirted through my eyes
Crept out by my smile
My friendly disposition
This soft face,
Pitted my own ruin!
You see you pointed that finger
With me standing on the other end
Wait, what? Me??!
I've done nothing wrong
Yet my defense still went unheard
Who cares about the innocent?
No witnesses at my corner, who was to see me justice?
I carried your sentences in my briefcase as text
Text messages of fallen hope
Tweeting that ill feeling
Telling me I am not right
The ONE to say I am not right?!
Yet still putting up a fight
I did not break, nor curse, or destroy
I came gently only to deploy what could be believed
Compromised, understood, accepted
All in my favor to be unanimously forgiven
Brushed off shoulders, tears wiped away
No, just a mirage of how it should have been
Guilty, I heard
No explanation accepted.
Guilty, you said
Our love you depleted.
Broken down by these stares,
I was being followed.
By several followers reading us back and forth
Like a televised soap opera
Hold for commercial
No anger to be vented, without feeling some remorse
Couldn't stand to tell me the truth
So it was written aloud
Failed to remind me that all is fair
In love and war
Well bailiff, here I am ready
Barred behind this judgment
I do not need the bail,
I'm serving my time
But before you lock me away
Please tell me my crime?
More than just your words
It was your tone
Telling me that I was wrong
And in my fear of being alone
I carried that scarlet
Letters captured in sentences
Pledging me guilty
Sentencing me to judgment
To forever be on trial for the same bull
I've said it before, it wasn't me
Falling victim to accusations
False evidences built up towards the sky
A gavel punishing my name
My image, my reputation, credibility?!
It was I that still took that blame
Hoping that peace be the consequence
Failed memories, forgotten lies
Still picturing my demise
Branding me a harlot
Words flirted through my eyes
Crept out by my smile
My friendly disposition
This soft face,
Pitted my own ruin!
You see you pointed that finger
With me standing on the other end
Wait, what? Me??!
I've done nothing wrong
Yet my defense still went unheard
Who cares about the innocent?
No witnesses at my corner, who was to see me justice?
I carried your sentences in my briefcase as text
Text messages of fallen hope
Tweeting that ill feeling
Telling me I am not right
The ONE to say I am not right?!
Yet still putting up a fight
I did not break, nor curse, or destroy
I came gently only to deploy what could be believed
Compromised, understood, accepted
All in my favor to be unanimously forgiven
Brushed off shoulders, tears wiped away
No, just a mirage of how it should have been
Guilty, I heard
No explanation accepted.
Guilty, you said
Our love you depleted.
Broken down by these stares,
I was being followed.
By several followers reading us back and forth
Like a televised soap opera
Hold for commercial
No anger to be vented, without feeling some remorse
Couldn't stand to tell me the truth
So it was written aloud
Failed to remind me that all is fair
In love and war
Well bailiff, here I am ready
Barred behind this judgment
I do not need the bail,
I'm serving my time
But before you lock me away
Please tell me my crime?
Sunday, June 10, 2012
My finish line...
Can it be that I moved too fast?
Hoping, wanting, longing for more than what I was ready for?
Dismissing the warning signs
Yielding only to what my mind was saying
But never stopping
In full speed, I raced to the finish line
Forgetting my competition
Heart racing, beating faster and faster
I forgot to stretch
I forgot that I was suppose to breath deeply first
I forgot the beginning steps
Making sure not to make the same mistakes
Yet racing still for what promised me victory
A winner yes, that I am.
But I was moving too fast
Faster than my short legs could take me
I was moving at a pace too unsteady
Falling on rocky grounds
Bruised knees, scraped elbows
But even worse was my tattered pride
I saw the end within my reach
Still falling short
I can only get back up
Back up to run again
Back up to reach the end.
Wanting more than just my trophy,
I wanted my happy ending.
Too young, moving too fast, too unsteady
I slow down to a more capable pace
Walking gently by your side,
With my goals still in mind...
I must take those lunges towards peace
Inner peace, disregarding the fellow competition
Forgetting the failed races of before
Slow and steady, yes I will win my race.
Stretching this time, slowly...
One leg in front of the other.
By my side I see you there,
Behind me the past of what has been forgiven
Moving ahead, hopefully more steadily now.
Tennis shoes tied, I'm ready for this race.
Hoping, wanting, longing for more than what I was ready for?
Dismissing the warning signs
Yielding only to what my mind was saying
But never stopping
In full speed, I raced to the finish line
Forgetting my competition
Heart racing, beating faster and faster
I forgot to stretch
I forgot that I was suppose to breath deeply first
I forgot the beginning steps
Making sure not to make the same mistakes
Yet racing still for what promised me victory
A winner yes, that I am.
But I was moving too fast
Faster than my short legs could take me
I was moving at a pace too unsteady
Falling on rocky grounds
Bruised knees, scraped elbows
But even worse was my tattered pride
I saw the end within my reach
Still falling short
I can only get back up
Back up to run again
Back up to reach the end.
Wanting more than just my trophy,
I wanted my happy ending.
Too young, moving too fast, too unsteady
I slow down to a more capable pace
Walking gently by your side,
With my goals still in mind...
I must take those lunges towards peace
Inner peace, disregarding the fellow competition
Forgetting the failed races of before
Slow and steady, yes I will win my race.
Stretching this time, slowly...
One leg in front of the other.
By my side I see you there,
Behind me the past of what has been forgiven
Moving ahead, hopefully more steadily now.
Tennis shoes tied, I'm ready for this race.
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