Consciously contemplating my thought and where it started
Considering now more than ever how I got here
Carefully meditating on thoughts that have served me well before
Concerned that my own concerns hold no weight
Cautioned because the vulnerability already surrendered cannot be returned
Catering only to my own imagination
Callously stealing away the joy I felt I too deserved
Cynical to true reform, molding my mind to only accept the face of what I see.
Corrupted by past stigmas of what identity befallen
Cooperating to keep from shattering
Creating my space of peace, dealing in places where I know I'm safe.
Cold shoulders and hearts lay bear delivering harsh tones
Capturing in myself the innocence thrown away
Calculating how to escape the nightmare of drained fears
Capitalizing on the happiness that keeps the heart fonder yet still,
Contriving a solution for longer smiles
Capable of being every thing and nothing, more hope and faith leading me on
Comparable to that that still lingers and hinders
Coy but asserting those hushed feelings of before
Creeping to an inevitable end, for better or for worse
Captivating each day with a better memory.
Cloudy the sky but posing no threat,
Composing a way to trust and have trust earned
Carrying on for this is the only way I know.
Compromising not my value or self, but flaws and weaknesses
Completely fallen to love but smart in decision
Not my mistake, not by accident...you are my CHOICE.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
Uncensored rants
I'm letting go, it's not easy but I'm stepping back slowly as I should. Mentally drained by the obession to belong somewhere I should not always tread. I'm pulling back moderately, staying within the lane I was created in. Within my own space I can completely be who I need to be to who I am with. It's ok to be gentle and submissive, yet crazy when the occassion calls for the drama, until that point I'll remain a lady. Not naive but confident and settled. Calmed by the faith that I have in God not in man, it's ok to worry but I will no longer obsess and frantically need a word in all works. I'll continue falling in love with this lion and taming whatever foolish comes.
In other news I am not fulfilled, haven't completed what I needed to. I am young but driven. Clear goals, wants and aspirations...journeying on a path I dreamt for myself. Haven't slipped a bit I'm discouraged that I wont get back on track. Intrepid but still doubtful at times, hoping this is just a temporary funk that can be fixed. I need the consistency of my developing brain, being fed by knowledge. I love being a student but I am no longer in the business of books and tuition, dammit. I will overcome but it's always a challenge. Over that matter...
Next, I need a hobby. I want to delve fully in the arts with respect to music, dance, spoken word/poetry, visual art (paintings, sketching, drawing), etc. But it takes time and money to have a fruitful hobby or habit. Money and time I don't have. Blogging though I love just writing for my own satisfaction it's hard to just write while knowing I have other shit to think about and handle, what the hell. When I think of doing something artful (lol) I realize, shit, I have bills and work and more work and fucking bills! Who has time to write about love and the complications of it when rent is due tomorrow? Such is life, the life I'm living. I dream of bigger vacations and I will continue to live my life in the clouds, touching the sky, traveling the seas, escaping the dim reality of the American Dream, not my reality, not my dream. I don't want the two and a half kids in a colonial home with a dog. Give me three boys and a girl, a yorkie miniature, millionaire dreaded leo husband and a big ass rancher/millionaire... filled with crazy art, MJ stuff, movies, and random ish collected on vacations. This paragraph got random as hell...moving on
sucks that success in America is measured in $$$, the more money the more success. thats the definition, i dont mind having or not having, but i rather have and be ok. i'm curious about odd side jobs as an extra financial comfort. i have a money maker mentality, born that way but its stressful. stripper or porn star at this point? lol. damn its tough out here, just being honest. i want my money the clean way without having to carry trays on my wrists...how do i do that? ughhh. no more paragraph rants.
In other news I am not fulfilled, haven't completed what I needed to. I am young but driven. Clear goals, wants and aspirations...journeying on a path I dreamt for myself. Haven't slipped a bit I'm discouraged that I wont get back on track. Intrepid but still doubtful at times, hoping this is just a temporary funk that can be fixed. I need the consistency of my developing brain, being fed by knowledge. I love being a student but I am no longer in the business of books and tuition, dammit. I will overcome but it's always a challenge. Over that matter...
Next, I need a hobby. I want to delve fully in the arts with respect to music, dance, spoken word/poetry, visual art (paintings, sketching, drawing), etc. But it takes time and money to have a fruitful hobby or habit. Money and time I don't have. Blogging though I love just writing for my own satisfaction it's hard to just write while knowing I have other shit to think about and handle, what the hell. When I think of doing something artful (lol) I realize, shit, I have bills and work and more work and fucking bills! Who has time to write about love and the complications of it when rent is due tomorrow? Such is life, the life I'm living. I dream of bigger vacations and I will continue to live my life in the clouds, touching the sky, traveling the seas, escaping the dim reality of the American Dream, not my reality, not my dream. I don't want the two and a half kids in a colonial home with a dog. Give me three boys and a girl, a yorkie miniature, millionaire dreaded leo husband and a big ass rancher/millionaire... filled with crazy art, MJ stuff, movies, and random ish collected on vacations. This paragraph got random as hell...moving on
sucks that success in America is measured in $$$, the more money the more success. thats the definition, i dont mind having or not having, but i rather have and be ok. i'm curious about odd side jobs as an extra financial comfort. i have a money maker mentality, born that way but its stressful. stripper or porn star at this point? lol. damn its tough out here, just being honest. i want my money the clean way without having to carry trays on my wrists...how do i do that? ughhh. no more paragraph rants.
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