Where to go from here?

I want to be remembered for my hits not just my misses
I took a shot and didn't even come close
At trust, and love and hope.
Pushing out
Pulling through
Despite these doubts
I still want just you.

Fighting just to stay afloat
It's in love that I place my hope
Not in myself, not in you.
Working to be remembered for something more than my mistakes
I can't pretend to be okay
Only that I will make it through
My resiliency is in my wanting of you

We can fake it for the airways
Force our smiles til we're half dead
And nobody knows this but us.
Please roll things back cause we're not making any sense
Blame everyone but ourselves for this mess.
And besides my back is breaking from this heavy heart.
We've never seemed so far.

I'm hopelessly hopeful
You're just hopeless enough
But we never had it at all.
I'll keep fighting to turn this all around.
While you'll keep fighting to make things ok.
So where do we go from here?
Will you just give in or give up?
Because I'm not going anywhere.

This skin I'm in...my black.

My black is flawless
I've never been this proud before
My skin never felt so good
Was I not use to it?
I can't remember when I loved this shade so much
My color is dark and lovely.
It sings with a rhythmic melody of beauty.

My black is loud
It yelled at this pale-faced lady the other day
She tried to demean my black
And just as quickly as she did
My black screamed back.
My skin roared with elegance
Reminding you it is not afraid anymore

My black is loved
I rubbed it down tenderly today
Making sure to touch every inch.
Ever so gently it glistened and radiated
My black shimmers and still catches attention.
It's been kissed and hugged
Yet still selfishly wants more

My black is hopeful
I've had a freedom that was honestly free
I've lived in a time when my black was ok
My black lives today safely from oppression
Though still hated on
My black believes in a better tomorrow
Still lives in dreams of liberation and equality
My black has a great future

My black is an artist
Thoughtfully chosen to be just this
Not chocolate, not sweet or bitter
My black creatively exists where no other black attains
My deep and rich black is still unmatched
Nothing as dark
It masterfully advances my own natural look

My black is resilient
Offended and hurt in the past
The complexities of this complexion cannot be understood
I took my black out for a day
And was terribly made fun of growing up
People hold no discretion or reservation against my black
As though a fugitive my black has been ostracized plenty of times
Yet still fought back
Rising against the contempt of others
My black isn't weak and advocates for me.

My black isn't always easy
But I am my black and my black is me.

This road still ends with me...

I rather not say how I'm feeling
when I'm feeling like this.
I know enough to know that I can't turn back anymore.
It's all or nothing
I've settled for the all
Hoping I am not left for something
With Nothing left for me
Me left with nothing
Nothing there with me.

You've traveled this road before
I know you are tired from it's journey
But I still promise this trip will be different
My street has a new look
It leads to new sights.
You are scared to drive
but the road less traveled is the one of uncertainty
Where is the bravery?
Take this risk, if only once.
I promise the last won't be missed.

The hint of these new tears are sharp
I try to choke them back.
But it's useless
I am useless against them.
They are beating me with ease.
There is no need to test my heart with useless space
On the way home this car hears my confessions
I think tonight I'll take the long way home.
These roads go on forever
I've constructed them that way
And there I will be,
Patiently waiting...

Those

Bold, daring, eccentric, taking no crap
Those I'm rooted in and those who will come soon after
Different, unique, unexplainable, hated, possibly because of that differentiation
Nothing new, the noose, her bus, his girl
Never did it deter them, those I'm rooted in and those who will come soon after
Am I ashamed or embarrassed when concerning those?
Why should I be for those milestones, those pioneers are why I'm here;
Why I'm me
My base, history, foothold in this world
I am unconditionally grateful
Proud to gloat and that arrogance is rightfully so because Those I'm talking about swear their blood and tears into this soil
Governor this is my petition that we need to advocate for our Those
Aptly spoken the confidence should be in those not them, that, or us
We've seen them and their attempts to oppress those but like a city whose walls cannot be broken, those same those stayed standing.
Those I am proud to say I'm rooted in.


I wrote this because I was inspired after completing my book 40 Million Dollar Slave
"SAY IT LOUD, I'M BLACK AND I'M PROUD"

...I'll help you out.

If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand
Hope you find out what you are; already know what I am
And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again
You can tell me how vile I already know that I am
I'll grow old, and you'll start acting your age
It'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate
A crown of gold, a heart that's harder than stone
And it hurts to hold on, but it's missed when it's gone

Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad that you can forgive, only hoping as time goes, you can forget

If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of this state
You can keep to yourself, I'll keep out of your way
And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down
Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out
It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room
When I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds
So call it quits, or get a grip
You say you wanted a solution; you just wanted to be missed

Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad that you can forgive, only hoping as time goes, you can forget
So you can forget, you can forget

You are calm and reposed
Let your beauty unfold
light brown, like the skin stretched over your bones
Spring keeps you ever close
You are second-hand smoke
You are so fragile and thin, standing trial for your sins
Holding on to yourself the best you can
You are the smell before rain
You are the blood in my veins

Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad that you can forgive, only hoping as time goes, you can forget.
I hope you're as happy as you're pretending.


**This is an old poem I wrote about 2-3 years ago.**

Misunderstood

Writing wrong because it's hard to see right
Drowing in this darkness of my death
Driving
Determined to live while making my living
Trying hard not to let the making of my living overwhelm
Control
My living
Life misunderstood.
People convinced that it's about the physical and material
inferior to those
Just because they have more of the meaningless world in their hands
Living wrong because we refuse to see right
Settling for what we're given because it's easier to deal than
desire development
Not just desire but attain, strive, achieve
Wanting more for myself so I refuse to settle
I refuse to allow myself to be left lukewarm
For it is better to be hot or cold.
Living wrong because I've refused to change for right.
It's what I've always settled for
Or is it that it's what satan's convinced me to be ok with?
Fighting to be faithful
To live no longer for myself
But to HIM that I have surrendered my life to
Living wrong because it's easier than living right
Still knowing that I have the heart to be better
To be loyal
To be grateful
Grateful for this life I've been given
Blessed whether good or bad
Because he shall carry me through
Grateful to life
Be I
No longer writing wrong because I'm seeing right
Living right because I hate to live wrong.

The Secret is Telling.

The signal is subtle
We pass just close to stroke
No questions, no answers
We know by now to say enough
With only simple words
With only subtle turns
The things we feel alone for one another
There is a secret that we keep
I won't sleep if you won't sleep
Because tonight may b e the last time we'll be given
We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden
Our act of defiance
We keep this secret in our blood
No papers or letters
We pass just close enough to touch
We love in secret names,
We hide within our veins.
The things that keep us bound to one another
Until the last resilient hope
Is frozen deep inside my bones.
And this broken fate has claimed me
And my memories for it's own.
Your name is pounding in my skin.
Can't you hear how it is sung?
And I can taste you in my mouth
Before the words escape my lungs
And I will whisper only once...

Christmas

I don't believe in Christmas, it's pretty man-made like most other holidays and devalues original religious purposes. But oh well....Merry Christmas everyone!! :)

In the future I will not follow in the tradition of Christmas for my children. Gifts and presents are fun but I am not waiting until Dec 25th just to get something nice for someone or to show how much I appreciate them. My children will establish Christmas as the day mommy wears her pjs all day, stays home, cooks 3 meals with 2 snacks, plays games all day, jokes with daddy, doesn't answer her cell phone, watches a marathon of movies, have a snowball fight and go sledding, and doesn't go to sleep until after everyone else is sound asleep. My household will know Christmas to be the best day of the year not because of presents/gifts but because me and my husband and children are having fun just being us all day together as a family. If my children want presents they will get them randomly throughout the year but never on Dec 25th, Christmas doesn't mean presents and it won't mean that when I'm older either. I can't wait to have a family and start my own traditions. I don't believe in Christmas but I do believe in a happy family.

Endless rants of my current mind state...

Mouth of a sailor so here goes nothing:::


>>Oh SHIT!!<<
That's what I thought when I saw this gift. I loved it! Probably the most perfect thing ever, I'm such a huge fan that it really came to me as a surprise to find someone who valued the same legendary icon as much as I. For x-mas I received this book called Dancing the Dream: Poems and Reflections by Michael Jackson. He personally wrote all of these. Was not aware that MJ was a writer so I'm quite impressed and definitely never knew this book existed so I was thoroughly impressed by the giftor (said person who gave me the gift, lol). It was not a scarf, or ring, or necklace, or jacket, or heels, or perfume or any other material girly gift that any man, woman, friend or family typically would give...it was a well thought out and researched item that honestly could only mean everything to me.


>>Dammit!<<
Damn, have you ever gotten tired of saying the word "love"? Weird question I know and understand. I realize the magnitude of the word and for a long time I've reserved ever using that word again because it means more to the person using it than the one receiving it. "Love" can only be valued once returned or felt. Therefore my overuse of the term has almost become meaningless. I'm sick of saying it, I want it to be felt and meaningful to the one receiving that love. Is there a synonym? Terminology means everything, I know that it is the most fitting word but I want to reserve my right to use it. I shouldn't have to tell my mother I love her every time I get off the phone (lol), sometimes I just want to the end the conversation with "talk to you later". I can't keep using that term with the beau because he doesn't actually care how I use it, how often I say it, or when I do, smh! He can't say it back, which doesn't bother me. His love or lack thereof, holds no bearing over my love; however, I'm tired of using a word with such deep value so often as I do. In other words from now on when I tire of saying love, I'll just say instead "I heart you" or "You really are something" or "You aren't too bad". It'll be my way of expressing how I feel without wasting away the value of love through overuse. Ugh, damn!


>>Fuck!<<
Good exercise, fuck...more people should do so more often.


>>Fiddlesticks!<<
My apartment is now empty. Living alone (again) is weirder than ever now. I became so use to sharing my space and life that it almost feels strange not to do so anymore. Have you ever realized how more space always makes you feel more lonely? I presume this is why some individuals become hoarders, to pack in the spaces, theoretically filling voids in which loneliness settles. It's not that deep, but I can definitely now understand the feeling. There is now a void here, though temporary and not actually a complete void, living alone now and again makes me feel alone. I now have all this time and space to explore myself, my mind, my interests, and thoughts. I'll go crazy, oh fiddlesticks! But its for the best. I'm content and I'll be just fine.


>>Hell!<<
My heat in my house stays on nearly 80 degrees, hot as hell!


>>Ass!!!<<
He's the biggest one I know. Definitely no competition there...he has a phat ass and can be an even bigger one if put to the challenge. But no other ass has been able to make me as happy as him. Interestingly enough he is very much like myself. We're simple people with grandiose proposals and images of life. We can make one another happy with just simple gestures and thoughts. Neither of us need material possessions or gifts yet we love to spoil one another with them as often and affordably as possible. This ass I'm dealing with has uniquely been able to keep me around through all the bullshit, yes there has been evidenced bullshit but to be fair the bullshit was mutually given, but bullshit nonetheless. Thankfully bullshit behind us things are running quite smoothly. Myriad of things still to be done, everything is going better than ever expected. We'll see how this ass does. :)


>>Bitch!<<
*said 3 times in increasing octaves* Well I'm not a fan of any of them, all of them are equally bitches...no argument there. However, there are some lady friends/homegirls I've met that are definitely cool so are excluded from the bitch list. That is all.

Oh Vegas!

So I recently just returned from a great trip to Vegas. Probably the most fun anyone can have with their clothes on (lol, jk...but not really). The shows were great! Jabbawockeez performed and were truly entertaining by far one of the best shows I have ever gone to. Of course I am also responsible for bringing mention to the greatest show ever, Michael Jackson Immortal by Cirque du Soleil. They classically produced a very well designed show centered around the King of Pop, dancing to such great hits such as Man in the Mirror, You are not Alone, Black and White, etc. It was definitely an overwhelming production and really brought to life the child-like spirit and rhythmic genuis of the late musical legend. I am such a fan of great entertainers and no other has come close to the legacy that MJ has led. Enough about that...the clubs and the Vegas strip was nothing short of fun and exciting. Meeting new people is always cool but being able to do so with friends and loved ones is better. I went there with someone I consider to be something like a best friend and boyfriend, he really did make the trip for me. I realized our commonalities is what really makes our trips and vacations so enjoyable. I could not have imagined having a more fun-filled experience with anyone else, honestly. I would love to rant for days about all the sights that Vegas has to offer, but I implore you (the reader) to journey along across the world and experience your own adventure. I like sharing mine because traveling is one of my passions and I am glad to have been able to share that passion with someone I love and care so much about. Hopefully more good travels and adventures to come!!! :)

I need. You need. We need.

I needed this peace, this space, this silence.
More than I thought.
I wanted the peace of mind to know nothing would change.
I wanted the space to know that I could move independently yet blendedly
I wanted the silence to know that how I felt all made sense.
Collectively I'm more uncollected than I imagined.
I need more time to be who you need.
You need more time to be there for me.
We compromise, we bicker, we love.
We're one in the same.
We need to be more of us.
We need to be together.
We need to be happy.
We need to love better.
I promise I can bend...
In time I'll be everything you want.
You need me to be more of the woman I truly am.
And I need you to be my man.

None other...but me.

Writing anything is poetry to me. I would love to say I always write in lyrics or stanzas or haikus but I don't. I rhythmically spout a bunch of words that only make perfect sense to me, as if sharing a story in a language I encrypted for myself. My life is my song. I sing as I speak. I lyrically express as I write. My tears, worries, happiness, smiles, laughter, pain are my music notes documented in my life song. I am today a conductor organizing my symphony of melodic beats. I aim not to write for the enjoyment or understanding of others. It is too much work to please and appease others in an universally creative style that is solely and uniquely fingerprinted by one individual. Therefore, I write simply to be understood by me, my own biggest critic. I am my words. Poetry is my vice. Words are my game. This is how I shall live my life for the rest of my life. Because this is just who I am.

I didn't trip, nor stumble, I fell.

I've fallen.

Harder than before.

This time for good reason.

Unplanned and unorganized.

Yet I wasn't afraid.

I wasn't very cautious.

I never hestistated.

I just leaned to the edge and fell.

This time it didn't hurt.

In fact the fall was pleasant.

Brushed a bit through the trip

But I've managed to sustain no major injuries

Simply minor bruises that in time healed.

I learned to be more resilient

I evolved from the time before

And I grew wings

When I fell this time

I soared.

I flew.

Right into what I could only imagine perfection to feel like

Not quite perfect but close enough.

I glided gently through a journey

One so unique it would seem almost impossible

A journey that has introduced me to...

New sights

New faces

New smiles

Bigger laughs

Better memories

Good times.

A journey I am still taking

It's funny because when you fall its hard to breath

I've been holding my breath for a year now

Each sip of air taken is one that reminds me that I'm still falling

My stomach is in my chest

My heart keeps skipping a beat

It's hard to breath

However, for this fall I don't need air

Breathing is simply not a thought

I'm falling

Not grabbing hold to anything around me

Just continuing to land somewhere unknown

I'm not afraid

Neither am I shy of the uncertainty

The unknown is what attracts me

The fall is what makes the journey worth while

I've leaned over the edge and fell

Simply because I want to be taken to my unknown

To face falling again

Uninhibited by my fall before

I didn't trip

Nor stumble

I've fallen

I'm still falling

And this time I am enjoying each moment of my fall.

My fist and my pride!

Black
Negro
African American
Afro American
Nigger

Why is it that our race/ethnicity has been described and translated into so many different forms? The ignorance of our society to classify and stigmatize the differences of people demonstrates the weakness of our nation. I believe that today more than any other time before that the freedoms we have been entitled to for centuries is now beginning, marginally at least, to show face. We have a "black" president. I use the term black lightly in the case of dear old President Obama because he in fact is not black at all. He is mixed, mulatto, interracial. However, our people, blacks are so accepting we classify and let in just about anyone we deem to be someone to move our people ahead. The same euphoria we have shown people like Clinton, Lincoln, Kennedy, Eminem...you get my drift. African Americans love to accept in people who shed a slight similarity, interest, or advocacy. Fair enough, but what other race/ethnicity is accepting us? Even our modern day uncle tom's wouldn't necessarily be accepted by the white race. I always found it funny that the weakness of our own people has been our lack of discernment and discretion. It is ok for black people to be exclusive. It is ok for us to own our own cultural identity, uniqueness and pride that we do not lend into the hands of others to be exploited. Prime example the hair industry, today it is one of the largest money making industries in the U.S., demanding and taking the money of black people. However, it is almost an exclusively asian owned business. And as everyone knows Asian's do not accept or share there business among any other race outside their own. They own the market in hair, nails, beauty, and food (black and asian type of food: you can get a chicken box and a half n half, or general tso's and green tea all from the same korean cook). Not a racially charged argument but where has the black pride gone? Where are the days of sit-ins, picketing, protests, marches and riots for our rights? Have we lost our spirit of civil liberation? Yes, yes we have. Our first aim at unity would be to identify under one title, one that we give ourselves. Not an identification given to us. I rather call myself black, that way every person of African descent whether in the diaspora or not can fall under the same term. I do not associate myself as American, because America has yet to accept me. Not until the day a black female of the same educational and professional background can make the same wage as a white male or female in the same job position/title....than I am not an American. I will remain to be black because America has remained to withhold all of my civil liberties entitled to me from their white man-made Constitution.

This in no way is a racist blog or post against any one else, however a mere strongly felt and opinionated post about my black realism. You can deny the truth if you want, but it's still felt in my black owned beating heart. I live with my fist held high.

Say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud!

Queasy and Uneasy Feeling

I have this uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach

Making it's way far deeper and beyond my soul telling me...

That I fucked up.

Not necessarily because I did anything wrong

But because I may have really hurt and upset the one person I love

More than anything I want to be able to prove that I'm the one.

That I can be all that he wants and needs.

Satisfy those urges and fulfill that happiness.

I fall short each and every time.

In being who I am...

Indecisive, quirky, crazy, sensitive, irrational, discerning, contemplative, wild, random, optimistic, inquisitive, curious, pedantic, determined, clever, rude, persistent, annoying, funny, charming, aloof, witty, sarcastic, mysterious, sly and sometimes shy...

I seem to have lost out on balancing it out for someone else

I place all that I am so frantically in one place and don't make room for proper adjustments

As much as I can blend in, I hate not standing out

Not being heard

Not being felt.

I fucked up.

He stormed out.

I called.

He cursed.

I tried to render in what my eyes could amount to a deal breaking end

A solution, an answer,

Something that would express this unexplainable

Gut wrenching queasy and uneasy feeling

I get when I know he's not ok.

That feeling that always reappears when voices are lifted,

Tone is haunting

Eyes are piercing

And body is tensed

I tried to run and hide but I am too confrontational not to say a word

I can't keep my mouth shut.

It was innocent.

I've swore on just about any living and inanimate object.

Throwing away my own soul if it meant removing this scarlet letter.

I am not leaving.

I did nothing wrong.

I've made you uncomfortable and this was my fault.

I awkwardly make decisions sometimes in thinking you would understand.

I was wrong.

I should have said something sooner

But this is all I have left.

Don't cast me away like this was all a mistake

Don't leave me tomorrow as your biggest regret.

What is love?

I was woken from sleep tonight worried like a mom about where someone was, I found him. Then my frantic mind in desperation to fall back asleep thought about everything else under the sun. In moments of worry nothing else matters but to solve the riddle of Where are you'? and Are you ok? It is within those moments that secondary feelings and thoughts go straight out the window. I had forgotten just that quick that it was nearly 5am, that I had to be up for work in another 2.5 hours and that I really hadn't slept much at all. My preoccupation to be in the know led me to him. He was fine and I tucked him in. My insanity drove me to reflect on where my life was going, where my mind was, and why my heart was still palpitating so loudly. Beating, ringing and banging in my ears I realized I was not about to fall back asleep easily. I rediscovered an addition to what my lifelong definition of love was. In that moment and space I knew I was scared and worried so much because I was in love. Sounds quite stretched but in actuality it's not. Love in fact will make you worry. It will wake you up for no reason at all, in sound sleep at 5am when you have to be up for work at 8am, just to look out the window because you can not remember seeing someone make it back in. My love scared me half to death when I no longer saw it laying 4 inches away from me at 5am.

I love hard and I love strong. My love compliments my love for life and capturing the essence of what it means to enjoy every minute of it. Today I love better than how I loved years before. Today I love better than how I loved yesterday. Today I understand the power that my love can bring to my love. Today I loved passionately. To me love is more than what can be sensibly defined. To fully be able to place in words what love actually means, limits how one can fully express it. Love is more than gestures, emotions, tears, actions, words, expressions, sweet whispers, thoughtful goodbyes, hugs and kisses. Love is ultimately sacrifice. They go hand in hand. I don't want to be "in love" I've been there and done that. I don't want to be here, happy, then hurt and gone. To be "in love" is an flimsy imitation of what love is, it's the sensual infatuation and bond you have with someone you happen to fancy at the moment. But the minute you are not satisfied or happy then to be "in love" has ended. "In love" is a conditional type of love, it comes and goes and is conditional upon how the partner who is 'imperfect' responds to your 'imperfect' actions, wants, demands, and expectations. To be 'in love' does not last, is not real. Any contingencies on love is not love at all. (All my personal opinion so disagreement is welcome.)

I rather love, endlessly and uninhibitedly. To love someone until the end of time. What is love? Love can be everything and nothing at the same time. Love can be found in the silences that two have when they have both come to the same epiphany at the same time. Love can be found in a smile. Love can be kept away because it is all too powerful to be shared at once. My love sees me everyday. My love asks me for advice and shares with me intimate woes of life because he knows I will understand it. My love is not afraid to talk to me. My love does not shy away from confrontation. My love gets me, and I get him. I love because I now understand that I am taking this risk. I love because now I have grown and I don't care to be "in love" though I cannot help it from happening, I am. However, I love because despite if my love ever loves me back, ever reaches my imperfect expectations, ever sweeps me off my feet, ever forgives my flaws, ever understands statistics, ever leaves his old loves, or ever sees all of me...I will have loved my love because I've risked it all. Not knowing what will happen in the next second but still going forth to see what happens explains what I am in this love. I am scared of the what comes next, but I am boldly marching towards it...with steady feet, eyes open and a heart ready to delve head first...I am journeying towards love. I am there. It was at 5am when I was woken by the worry of my love when I realized I am here. It was on Tuesday 11/15 while my love shared with me his own fears and worries, and none of that mattered to the "us" I have created, that I realized that I am here. It was at my first tears when I worried that my love may still leavev to chase his old love when I knew I am here. It was in the moments when I contemplated leaving when I realized I am here. It is in the mornings when all I want to do is lay in bed hold my love tight and smell his beater, that I knew I am here. It is my nights when I remember that my love is not perfect but I'd have it no other way, when when I realized I am here.

I'd give up everything to have everything that I have now. We came here unconventionally but it was in our journey when I found love, it was in this crazy journey when I realized I am here...and there is no turning back now.

I am Ready

I am ready for love....

Why are you hiding from me?

I'd quickly give my freedom, to be held in your captivity

I am ready for love...

All of the joy and the pain

And all the time that it takes

Just to stay in your good grace.

Lately I've been thinking maybe your not ready for me

Maybe you think I need to learn maturity

They say watch what you ask for

Cause you might receive

But if you ask me tomorrow

I'll say the same thing

I am ready for love...

Would you please lend me your ear?

I promise I wont complain

I just need you to acknowledge I am here.

If you give me half a chance I'd prove this to you

I will be patient, kind, faithful and true

To a man who loves music

A man who loves art

Respects the spirit world

And thinks with his heart.

I am ready for love...

If you'll take me in your hands

I will learn what you teach,

And do the best that I can.

I am ready for love...

Here with an offering of

My voice, my eyes, my soul, my mind

Tell me what is enough?...

To prove I am ready for love.

I am ready.

Lately...

Lately everything has been going exactly as I never expected or predicted. The whimsical and unpredictable turns in life keeps you on the edge of your seat. And I've been riding on the edge of my seat since Oct 16, 2010 (lol). Can't clearly know what's ahead just hoping it'll be promising. I indulge in the flaws of my dreaded affection, it's what keeps the intrigue fresh. The words unspoken makes the interest grow fonder....my speechless expressions will tell you when I need you most. I'm enthralled in what I hope to be not a journey into folly. I expect nothing in the end but I still want it all. I am dedicated to working harder to make myself better for myself and a potential other half. Can't quit now, too far in :)

Confused

I've been here before...

The uneasy and unsettling feeling that leaves you

Baffled, confused, befuddled, contemplative, inquisitive

I hate this feeling more than any other

Because the fear of making the wrong decision

The regret and what ifs that you leave behind if you make the wrong turn

I'm at a fork in the road

Battling between heart and mind

I'm quite familiar to this game but I don't know what move to play

Should I stay or go?

I would love to fight through the uncertainty but I can't stand to fail

I don't want to remember what it feels like to make a stand for nothing

I've fallen victim to my heart's desire for love and lost

I will not lose again

I run the risk of being hurt again, yet I take that risk for the sake of happiness

I am happy

He makes me happy

He makes me smile

But he sometimes makes me sad

He makes me cry

He makes me feel unsure

The worst feeling in the world

I will overcome

I will be assured

I will make my stand

Because I will never fall victim again

***I'm short of an emotional mess, growing closer to insanity. I will be ok.

You were just suppose to be...

You were only just suppose to be for my body

Enticed by the tantalizing passion growing between

What would become of you and me

Never expecting our "us" to become a "we"

A selfish kind of interest sparked by simple physical attraction

But more of you became satisfying

Engaging my mind to take in more than just what meets the eye

Encouraging my soul to crave for those conversations that could produce no definite end

See I gave you what in my mind was a 4 day stay

A charming fling of desires fulfilled by a spine tingling enthrallment of overnight visits

Prolonging that vacation to a getaway resort of complete satisfaction

However, more and more of me was getting hooked

As if you cast your rod specifically so I could/would get caught (up)

Dangerously embarking further in this simple lust finding more interest than imagined before

You were just suppose to be for my body

Now dependent upon that physical need, my body would cry for yours on nights missed

Appointments, scheduled visits and work days

Call outs, promises of the next installment

See nothing was becoming enough

Awakened by a playful relationship of cat and mouse

Falling a little more deeply, growing closer to something that could still not be defined.

Yet never naiively so giving up of everything I knew I could lose because...

You were just suppose to be for my body

Trust, love and hope was out of the question

My heart was committed and contracted to take no part of you

I knew better

I know better than to let that get away

A vulnerability I could control and lock away from the powerful 8 and some inches of your persuasive glory

But now my mind is of some confused sorts, mixing my wants and needs. Allowing myself to get away more than expected.

I've let you creep and capture two forbidden keepsakes.

More than just an endearing hook-up, booty call or kick-it

Slipping, falling, damn near jumped from the intended mission of what was suppose to be a temporary fix.

See you were just suppose to be for my body

But now it seems you may have become something more

Meta-morphed into a vision of promise

Deepening a connection from the shallow expectations, truly not having expected anything at all, yet resulting in way more.

You are more than what my body could have asked for

And now I'm not sure what more I should seek,

because you were just suppose to be for my body...

But these growing feelings are reaching its peak

A Cautioned Heart

Again,

Breathe in deeply hold for two seconds then release

There goes my heart, just skipped another beat

Do I care?

Is that what is going on?

My heart is beginning to do things my mind has not told it to do.

Yet I know I can't really stop it

Just hold it enough so it doesn't move without me

Wrap my heart up so tightly that even the softest of touches, the kindest of words, the deepest of strokes would still not come close because it stayed kept away just like I told it to and there it shall remain so I will always knwo where to find it

Where to go when I want to feel

When I want to remember

When I want to love

Keep my heart locked up so it could not be foolishly seduced and induced into an impassionate affair from another charming, loquacious, alluring type

To abuse, use and throw away....something so sacred to me

That I gave up, that I shared

And yet I still hate to say I ever cared

Because to admit the truth admits the pain, that admits the fault, and reveals my shame

That reminds me that I cant go back

That still so harshly echoes "its happened before"

That this weak heart was once whole and strong, unscathed and uncensored

Told all its secrets, dropped all its game, came out boldly and screamed his name

Why can't I be consistent?

To live so ruthlessly that even I forget

Disregarding my own being to become a vessel of smothing I thought would be better

I've managed well

Managing just enough to live without living

To feel without truly feeling -- anything at all

To be impenetrable

"Oh I wish my heart would just be quiet for a second"

It's beating so loudly that I can barely think

I just need this moment to get my mind together because I know I am much wiser than this

"Its not your affair"

"Oh heart please stay out of this!

Mind your own business because I don't want you to interrupt and takeover.

I have this under control.

And if you would only give me the time

The opportunity to put things back to where they should be

I promise you wouldn't be so confused

I have everything exactly where I want"

Yet my heart still wants in

Bidding in a place, in the moments, in this space that I told it to stay away from

"Why do you want to show up now?"

"Is it something I said?

Is it something he did?

Because here you go feeling again,

Thumping and beating and longing...again

And I can't warn you enough because you know what happens next

Don't you remember?!

Don't tell me you forgot what it felt like to ache and be in pain

You, rather we, were a mess

Cry...beat...stop...beat...breathe...scream...stop...beat

Your rhythm was all thrown off

And it took so long for you to get that beat back again

To beat and thump regularly like you use to

You were so weak then."

Don't be so quick to fall for it

It's persuasive smile

Those subtle white lies

Them clever lines

But feeling so real this time

He's a depiction of what you always wanted

Figment of something that seems so delightful

Tested, persevered, weathered yet not worn

Continuously outlasting what I expected

Endless charm perusing through frozen emotions

Beating and beating, even louder and harder than before

I pray that you can manage this fight

Because I'm falling and falling hard...

Tumultuous Game of Want and Gain

Critically acclaiming never to be a callous cynic again

Perusing through elusive emotions of passion, want and fiery desire

Gallantly yet graciously reconstructing my shield with fervor

Frenzied but intrepid

Vehemently denying its feeble and transparent past

Boldly exalting myself beyond my own measure

Rejecting the pious belief that everything can be subjugated independently

Yet pleasantly accepting accredited love as it comes

Validating even if only for myself the inevitable fate

Depreciating the cycle of disappointment

Disenchanted by the pessimistic perils of that thin line between love and hate

Enthralled by the illusions of fancy

Hastened to endorse the idealistic courtship

Entrusting all that is available, while for the moment proving that yet even more can be attained

Dismembering the fickle heart and bitterness

Tampering only with tact in times of true ambiguity of what appears to be intangible

Exacting dexterity to determine the dividend to each end

Meticulously managing to maintain all that I like (him)

However, still, eluding more of what I want (him)

This was written over the summer during my emotional exploratory phase for the mans i spoke about in the last blog. I will post more poems about him because he has been a bit of the focal point for my last writings. Enjoy :)

Why Hello Again....

So it's been 2 years since I last blogged on here. Many things have occurred and changed in my life since then...thank God. However, those challenges and triumphs has reshaped me into the person I am today. Since i've last blogged these are my updates:::

- got my BA in social work may 2010!! X)

- got mi own apartment

- my last 3 cars have died and live new lives...RIP

- got a new swanky car piece named carlito (2011 all black hyundai elantra)

- new full time job in my field of social work working with juveniles

- pursuing my masters in social work (MSW) at of all places Morgan State :/

- have a temp part time gig

- made new friends...mostly a bunch of party-ers like myself :)

- found some new party spots

- learned how to hookah lol ---that is an accomplishment, dont judge me

- writing again not as much as i would like but enough

- cruised to mexico (again) fun times.

- met and dated around since my ex and....

- i have a new mans! yes a man this time and he makes me :) couldnt b more perfect.

more to be expressed abt him later however cuz this blog was simply for updates. so that concludes more important updates for now. clearly my life has hit a 180 and i'm proud to say that i am exactly where i want to be at this age and point in my life. there are still a few bumps in life but where would i be without a few big dips in my rollercoaster of life? with all things moving forward i'm sure to accomplish and have more victories in the future....more blogs to come!