What to do?

Have you ever felt like you have everything found out
Like as though, you were the last to know
But now know more than you knew before?
As though your clairvoyance voyaged you to the inevitable?
Typically ending in the most atypical way
Generally beginning with the generic play
Beyond what could have been predicted
But yet forseen consquences seen and acted
With actions stifling the partnered emotions
You are left speechless.
I knew everything
But never was enough.
I got everything figured out
All except for myself.

Dues

Have I not been here long enough
Paying my dues
Been trident and true
But still so much more that I've been through
Slowly eliminating my inhibitions
A love in submission,
In this position to possibly
Losing a piece of me
To sacrifice for a greater WE.
We, he, I...working towards something heavenly
I have been drained of this energy
Made into a pawn of what my love
Consequently produced, a meek partner
Quietly conceding to your actions
Adulterous motives, hidden in your speech
Breaking what was suppose to be a stronger I
In my eyes I see the deterioration of my I
My life, my integrity, my dignity
Falling into the fragments of what our WE
Was initially suppose to be.
I discovered your lies
Written over and over,
And not to just I, to her, to she, but
Most importantly, me!
This me was meant to be protected
Sacred, respected
Never neglected, tarnished or hurt
Diminished to just the side of your affections
Just the leftovers of your passion
Wasted time on what you wanted more
Here I was still standing faithfully
Abiding to the rules of this partnership
Regarded but never genuinely cared
I still wonder what more I can do
To produce in you
That sweet thought of me
That innocence of just our WE, but
Have I not been here long enough?

Unspoken

Voice shattered
Thoughts scattered
Of words left unspoken.
In my most intimate of times
I wished for the courage
To tell you everything I've ever felt.
Where does strength lie in such a big heart?
Cluttered by my own disasterous intentions
Afraid of what may still be your response.
All these words left unsaid
Linger in between the space in which
I let silence mellow.
In my quiet I hope you notice
Just what my heart truly desires to say.
All these muttered words just sitting in my hand
It is better to have said it all
Then to say nothing at all
Yet my reserve keeps my passions preserved
And still I've never uttered a word
Because maybe you would not know what to do with them.
Maybe these muted words are better left in my mind
Safely concealed for a more appropriate time
A time where I intrepidly speak with integrity
Just to tell you all I should have said before.
How nothing truly ever mattered more
And that I will be patiently and faithfully waiting
In this tested storm,
Until my unspoken words have the power to create our calm.

My Affair

I am having an affair!!
Yes it is the best kind
Two years of what I knew would never end
The one that wakes you in the night
Steaming over the dreaming you had this time
Wet with desire, dampened by lust
Desiring more than a sensual touch
This affair is one that is endless
Constantly following me
I fall asleep to it every night
Smile lovingly at it every morning
My secret affair got me caught up
Missing hours at work
Making me late for class
Staring helplessly at it each and every day
My affair runs deep and strong
This affair has been running its course
Reminding me that love can spring from lust
That pleasure can ignite a flaming spark
One not easily extinguished by yesterdays memories
This affair is endearing
Endearing just to me
But more than just physically
Mentally captivating
Emotionally stimulating
Its more than just an affair
We are promised,
Not a secret anymore.
But wouldn't you like to know?

Shackles

I can't quite explain the phenomena of not having the words to explain
It's eerie to be so well versed and knowleged but never knowing how to use it
Stifled by the sensitivities that surround these inequities
Bounded by the controversy hidden in this mystery
For better would just to be quiet
However, I've never been a person to be speechless
In this moment I am more than my mind can endure
My thoughts racing with the confusions still cluttering my heart
Vocabulary uttering melodies of what the uncensories were told to mute
Without my lips, my voice, my mouth I am just a shell of what rules have enforced
Too many rules telling me what I cannot do
Bonded to these rules but repeated threats of the consequence
Broken inside because I cannot cry about the wrongdoing
I have been wronged, again and again.
Did you witness the crime?
Chalked out for the public to see, but the media was not covering my story
Better yet yours, the one that begged for everyone's woes, sympathy, empathy
What a pity it must be to always being felt sorry for
Yes, I was left here cold and sore
Yearning for more than just some attention, but instead sincerity
I rather be fed the truth than be satisfied by a helpful filling of lies
Because trapped in my eyes are stories untold and unheard
Still witnessing the chase that was not following me
I am yet another victim of a foolish whim and risk taken
I cheated the system and found a way in...
But not lucky or victorious because for every cheat finds a worser sin
Greed, wanting it all, leaving nothing behind.
But yes overtime my mouth will one day speak
I will no longer be afraid to just be me.
To just live, open and free.

So I am an artist not only by word but drawing as well. The pen and pencil are my tools of poetic and aesthetic expression...it pours out of me effortlessly, creating a sonnet of the beauties that is marked by my own experiences and visual appreciation. I'm mastering my own craft little by little and will share some of my new skills and tricks I am trying to pick up....

We are New

I know what this feeling is

I remember how this works

Living in a time which almost seemed like a distant memory

It feels as though we are us again

Slowly drawing back to the beats my heart use to drum

It is true, our love has won

No more arguments

No more fights

We own our love

Overcame this plight

Destined to be greater

Dream even bigger

Reach much further

Chasing our wants through our own realities

Sealed by the passions we have grown inside

I am alive

Happy and content again

With just you and I.

Lately....

So lately while I've been off the blog world....

1. got a house with the boo and another friend
2. went back to school getting another degree and then my masters
3. had a few bomb ass dates with the mister
4. little to no fights, arguments, bickering, etc...thank u jesus! lol
5. still working my two jobs prob gonna pick up a part time too
6. pursuing a certificate in diagnostic medical sonography
7. accepting some things i cannot change and getting prepared for the new changes to come
8. living and loving life

so that was my quick update
hopefully more and better writing to follow soon :)

Best for Last

Wait, do you see my heart on my sleeve?
It's been there for days on end
And it's been waitin' for you to open up
I'm trying to tell you just how
I like to hear the words roll out of your mouth

Finally, say that it's always been me
That's made you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
But you'd save the best for last like I'm the one for you

Why is it every time I think I've tried my hardest
It turns out it ain't enough?
You're still not mentioning love.
What am I supposed to do to make you want me properly?
I'm taking these chances and getting nowhere
And though I'm trying my hardest you go back to her
And I think that I know things may never change
I'm still hoping one day I might hear you say
That you'd save the best for last like I'm the one for you.

But, despite the truth that I know
I find it hard to let go and give up on you
Seems I love the things you do
Like the meaner you treat me the more eager I am
To persist with this heartbreak of running around
And I will do until I find myself with you

And make you feel a way you've never felt before
And be all you need so that you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
And you'll be the one for me and me the one for you

Caution: Unstable Mind!

Brain is frantic
I'm slipping into pieces
Fragmented thoughts
Living in moments when I can breath a little longer
Tormented by poor decisions
Jumbled ideas
Torn emotions
Wanting solid ground,
Stable footing,
Somewhere to sit my worries.
Collecting now just chaos.
What could my future be?
Where am I really going?
Success before me,
Hands outstretched...
I want it all.
Never stopping, still pushing forward.
But these clouded thoughts keep holding me back
Suffocating my creativity
Imposing on my ability to live
Stifling my passion to sprint
Boggled mind, spilling my uncensories.
My stirred mind computing floods of improper thoughts.
My mouth knowing no bounds
Spouting more than just postulations
But more like the truth,
The truth hurts worse, than anything I can bring myself to do to you.
Cutting words like a dagger into souls of aloofness
Don't be caught not knowing what to say
This scrambled brain is hanging on the edge.

Heaven Can Wait

You’re beautiful,
Each moment spent with you is simply wonderful
This love I have for you boy it’s incredible
And I don’t know what I’d do, if I can’t be with you
The world could not go on so every night I pray
If the Lord should come for me before I wake
I wouldn’t wanna go if I can’t see your face, can’t hold you close
What good would Heaven be
If the angels came for me I’d tell them no

Unthinkable
Me sitting up in the clouds and you're here all alone
The time would come around when you would be moving on
I'd turn it all around, and try to come back down
Can't stand to see nobody with you, because it hurts
Couldn't take nobody loving you the way we were
What good would heaven be
If the angels came for me I'd tell them no

I don’t want nobody else to hold you
That’s a chance I’ll take
Baby I’ll stay, Heaven can wait
No, if the angels took me from this earth
I would tell them bring me back to him
It’s a chance I’ll take, maybe I’ll stay
Heaven can wait

Oh no, can’t be without my baby
Won’t go, without him I’d go crazy
Oh no, guess Heaven will be waiting...


>>>Written by: Michael Jackson

Baggage....time to lighten my load!

I'm half way through this book and I can honestly say that I love it!
Wish I had read this like 6 months ago, maybe I would have known then how to love.

How my passions, dreams and expectations do not automatically mean it will be respected by my partner as well.
That nagging someone about something I stand for does not mean they will pay it any attention if they are not ready.
I took a leap after love and cried the exact same tears done from the last.
Is it that my generation of black men are afraid of commitment?
Does being with one black women scare them?
I'll admit I've had my fair share of challenges and trust issues...
The bags in which I thought I had thrown away came creeping through my back door.
I brought along with my heart, a handful of baggage!
Bags in which he was not deserving of,
Bags in which he should not have had to deal with.
I brought my insecurities and fears.
I know now that I should have followed my instincts and addressed these concerns boldly.
Being in love with love got me caught in a game, again.
I was in love with a man who was in love with a woman who was in love with my man who was suppose to be loving me.
Triangled confusion, I kept it trucking.
Hoping that I was the cure to the heart's confused direction.
No, I am no one's answer to love.
I was simply myself, responding to what I thought had already been solved.
I should have left my bags and carried my confidence, sincerity, pride,
Heart, gentleness, forgiveness, humility, trust and love with me...
But instead I brought my baggage.
My bags filled with past hurts, with remembered lies, games and lines.
My bags were heavy, still on edge from the previous
I brought my bags to build my wall to protect the heart I should have shared unconditionally.
Yes, I loved my leo endlessly but my love was conditioned by the amount of pain I could endure.
I felt the blows from every dagger he shot at me when he said it was through.
I felt the sharp twists of the knife everytime I realized I had been lied to.
I felt the bruises from when he could only mention "I love you's" in theory
But easily spoke it through passing conversations with the other.
My bags built my fort so that I could predict every attack, and even then they failed me.
My baggage did me no good.
I'm working to lighten my load, so that my love is not weighed down by yesterday's tears.
Dieting my bags so that it's not holding yesterday's fears.
My love should not come in overwhelming the one I love.
Dropping my bags so that I can hold onto my love, heart, and future instead.
Praying for better tomorrow's starts with my own change.
No longer afraid of my hurt because I'm aiming for real love.
Love is blind, but my eyes are now open.
It was not all my fault, neither his.
But we will get it together and I will come back in his arms much 'lighter'.
No more drama, no more baggage.


>>>with all my love, forever and always love u dm.

Broken

I don't know what makes me so self destructive.
I could drown in the tears I've cried.
Burning and pushing away the only people I hold dear.
Wanting to keep them close but afraid of being hurt.
Past fears and wounds almost still too fresh to recover.
Friends, lovers, trusted ones turning the knife in the back
That they were suppose to have, suppose to watch.
I'm crumbling and taking down everyone with me.
This hurts and I've brought it down on myself.
I could drown in the tears I'm crying.
And it's nobodys fault but mine.

Mistake.

Miscommunicated emotions,
Misunderstood intentions.
What I said was not meant to hurt you,
But to make you aware that I know you.
That I see you, not for who you pretended to be
But for who you are.
I misinterpreted your motives,
Thinking that they were contrived against me.
Wanting to have the cake and eat it to,
I misbelieved that you could love only one.
I misjudged where I stood.
Misallocated feelings, telling me that I was being burnt.
Being made a fool.
Misguided emotions led me to this chase
Going 70 miles per hour down a city street
Trying to eye your passanger secrets
Misplacing my senses, with avid rage
I raced you to the truth to find what I've feared all along.
I feared the truth.
I feared knowing that I was not the only one.
Miscalculated steps, moving at such a pace that
I honestly missed a step.
The step where I was suppose to trust.
That at 2 in the morning I knew you were coming back.
Call me crazy, yes that I am.
No it's not misspelled, that I am, crazy for you.
Needing no affirmation of the fact,
My heart has always missed a beat,
In your presence, awaiting that kiss.
What I said in anger was a miscall
One I wish even now I could take back.
With tears swelled in my eyes, yes
I've missed those calls in which I knew to recall right back
The memories of happier times.
Left only in misery now as I disembark on the road together.
Yet now temporarily apart...yes I miss your love.
Miss being held in those arms telling me that I'm the one.
No not perfect, we were perfect misfits of love.
Loving each others mischievious ambitions,
Fitting almost perfectly into one another's lives.
The misfortune of those dreadful events led us to this moment
Led us to finding out where we were meant to be.
We were meant to be fixed,
Meant to fix the kinks in this misevaluated union.
Meant to adjust the misaligned notions that all things fall together in time.
No, all things come together with effort, with hard work.
You misconstrued the meaning of starting anew...
No not without you, but to be moving together side by side.
Starting fresh with a clean slate.
Mishandled honesty, now to be taken appropriately.
Friends in the mystic of friendship, courtship, relationship.
Growing, developing more than before.
Our mismanaged attempts will not end in vain
Managing a better path to what shall breed happiness in its truest form.
Foundation of honesty and truth without the misperceptions.
Misread solutions now discovering our new resolution.
Have I told you how handsome I think you are?
Mmm, yes I find you to be atonishing.
I'll still give you my heart, because as for my part
It was truly a mistake.


Still here fighting to the bitter end for our renewed love, peace and happiness.
Love you peezy <3

Dating!!

So I've recently made a major breakthrough in my relationship....I'm calling it a breakthrough because all feelings and truths were laid open and bare, it was finally an eye-opening moment when I realized aha, this has been the problem all along.

>>>It's always been easy to point the finger and say its someone's fault but in reality the fault never lied between me or my partner....we simply didn't know how to love, how to date, how to be real and vulnerable.

On this journey to real love I'm gonna open up more than ever! It's scary and I'm not sure I'm fully prepared for what that may entail but I definitely want to put my best foot forward and prove that I'm in it 100%! Love for me means soooo many different things but above all it means: SACRIFICE and COMPROMISE! Being able to work with someone and give up something for the sake of peace, happiness and love :) I'm willing to set aside my pride, fears, insecurities, games, tricks, skepticism, hesistation, and worry in order to make it work....and that is not easy! I've been a girl through love spells and this is my third crack at it, so I'm hoping it's well worth the work. This man will be the death of me I'm sure and I know I'm a tough cookie to crack but he takes it all in stride and I love him for that.

>>>So I decided for the next month I'm gonna delve head first into a  good read called: "The Conversation" by Hill Harper. This book is all about How men and women can build loving, trusting relationships and I think it may hold the answer to my dying questions and concerns. This book is a New York Bestseller and has gotten rave reviews. So we'll see what all the hype is about and I'll update this periodically with some learned lessons and epiphanies and changes within my expanding relationship. I wear many hats and today I am the student again, ready and willing to learn :)

Stay tuned....

Could it be...

It is possible that I came at this wrong...
Started to early, wanted too much.
I couldn't be everything expected all at once.
I've failed in promising it as so.
Perfection only to have been perfected so long ago
With such an innocence face,
Something resembling what could not have been seen as perfect.
All that matters in the end is to see the victory.
To know that we have come back on top.
To know that we have survived the climb.
I'm hoping for restoration.
To be revived and made anew.
Though I had a hand in this. I still blame you.
Let me down, I've done you worse...
Do you believe you're missin' out
That everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in my bed
The night's hard to get through...
Well, Jesus Christ, I'm alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.

Jailbird *tweet tweet*

Stop accusing me for shit I haven't done!
More than just your words
It was your tone
Telling me that I was wrong
And in my fear of being alone
I carried that scarlet
Letters captured in sentences
Pledging me guilty
Sentencing me to judgment
To forever be on trial for the same bull
I've said it before, it wasn't me
Falling victim to accusations
False evidences built up towards the sky
A gavel punishing my name
My image, my reputation, credibility?!
It was I that still took that blame
Hoping that peace be the consequence
Failed memories, forgotten lies
Still picturing my demise
Branding me a harlot
Words flirted through my eyes
Crept out by my smile
My friendly disposition
This soft face,
Pitted my own ruin!
You see you pointed that finger
With me standing on the other end
Wait, what? Me??!
I've done nothing wrong
Yet my defense still went unheard
Who cares about the innocent?
No witnesses at my corner, who was to see me justice?
I carried your sentences in my briefcase as text
Text messages of fallen hope
Tweeting that ill feeling
Telling me I am not right
The ONE to say I am not right?!
Yet still putting up a fight
I did not break, nor curse, or destroy
I came gently only to deploy what could be believed
Compromised, understood, accepted
All in my favor to be unanimously forgiven
Brushed off shoulders, tears wiped away
No, just a mirage of how it should have been
Guilty, I heard
No explanation accepted.
Guilty, you said
Our love you depleted.
Broken down by these stares,
I was being followed.
By several followers reading us back and forth
Like a televised soap opera
Hold for commercial
No anger to be vented, without feeling some remorse
Couldn't stand to tell me the truth
So it was written aloud
Failed to remind me that all is fair
In love and war
Well bailiff, here I am ready
Barred behind this judgment
I do not need the bail,
I'm serving my time
But before you lock me away
Please tell me my crime?

My finish line...

Can it be that I moved too fast?
Hoping, wanting, longing for more than what I was ready for?
Dismissing the warning signs
Yielding only to what my mind was saying
But never stopping
In full speed, I raced to the finish line
Forgetting my competition
Heart racing, beating faster and faster
I forgot to stretch
I forgot that I was suppose to breath deeply first
I forgot the beginning steps
Making sure not to make the same mistakes
Yet racing still for what promised me victory
A winner yes, that I am.
But I was moving too fast
Faster than my short legs could take me
I was moving at a pace too unsteady
Falling on rocky grounds
Bruised knees, scraped elbows
But even worse was my tattered pride
I saw the end within my reach
Still falling short
I can only get back up
Back up to run again
Back up to reach the end.
Wanting more than just my trophy,
I wanted my happy ending.
Too young, moving too fast, too unsteady
I slow down to a more capable pace
Walking gently by your side,
With my goals still in mind...
I must take those lunges towards peace
Inner peace, disregarding the fellow competition
Forgetting the failed races of before
Slow and steady, yes I will win my race.
Stretching this time, slowly...
One leg in front of the other.
By my side I see you there,
Behind me the past of what has been forgiven
Moving ahead, hopefully more steadily now.
Tennis shoes tied, I'm ready for this race.

El Futuro

I've been contemplating a different approach to my own life's journey. Love secondary now to my future dreams. I've realized (with help) that it is better to have loyalty and committment than love. The heart is an unstable artery, a muscle within the body that is constantly being told what to do by the mind. Thus the mind is the leading organ, therefore the only one now governing my life. My dreams are what I'm entitled to, I deserve to dream endlessly and pursue tirelessly the things in life that I would like to accomplish. I want never to stop that race, to quit my own personal goals in life to greatness, impact and influence. New York is still on the horizon but lately not as important as it use to be. I've realized that I've been selling myself short. Growing up you aspire to be the lawyer, doctor, veterinarian, police officer, fire fighter, etc. Where did that drive go? I wanted to be everything when I was younger, so I am still going to do just that. First thing first...back to school! If New York happens this year or in five more I'll make it there, but I will be successful. And love will work it's way through in the cracks, but can no longer be my conquest. I love regardless, dreds and all. But my focus has to be higher. We shall see...

Who Knew?

Who knew that I would feel this again?
Deception comes in all faces
Lies that came to me with a smile.
Who knew I was sleeping with a thief?
You left me with nothing,
Bankrupt emotions, too insufficient to fund any other.
Poor hearted, empty of soul
My tears weren't enough to cover your debt.
You owed me sorries, promises, and love.
Who knew that being a good partner just meant never being found out?
Broken and bandaged,
I survived.
Who knew?

Just Think

Stifled by my mind's own demons
I succumb to the fears of my last pain
Currently battling what my mind is assure of
Questioning the motive, the thought, his heart?
Pressured by friends' suggestions
Mother's advice and
My own intuition.
I'm afraid.
Afraid of such daunting hurt.
Like a knife through the achilles
It is my own weakness
I fall everytime...to,
Indecisiveness.
Not knowing who you trust.
Who to listen to.
Old drapes of yesterday's torn 2X laced lingerie
Antique memories, withered and worn
Covered with dust was the evidence of this infidelity
The ringtone to deceit
Starring me in the face
As I was the one to discover it's secret
The hidden truths to this treasured heart's mystery
Couldn't be find by Holmes,
In homes where the heart was suppose to be.
Revealing yet still to me crooked tears of reality.
Played, like the notes to an ending song.
I knew how I was feeling couldn't be wrong.
How could I go for so long, loving the same game?
Like a pawn on a board of chess, I was moved
By his words,
by his swagger,
by his endless way of convincing me to stay.
Contrived and convicted,
I knew things would change...
hopefully not for the worst.
But I'm no longer holding my bated breath.

Moving together or apart?

I've been really anxious
about my future, thoughts, interests, life in general.
I know what I want.
I've always know that one truth.
Now presented with the world at my fingertips
I feel cheated in not chasing it all.

With my maxes on, I'm ready for the run.
I know I'll win in the end...
But where do I start?
Who will be the man running by my side?
It's scary to know I may make the run alone.
The man I see every day and night is not committed to this chase.
He's dreaming his own dreams
As I sleep to dream to be a part of those dreams.
Gleaming at the sight of a future with him
My reality shows great promise.
Conflicted with brain and heart.
Do I choose my love or race?
I want both but it may not be possible.
Are we moving together or moving apart?

God only knows which way we'll go.
June is coming closer and I know I wont move on apart
I can't be this torn,
When my life is on the line.
My heart is as important as my future.
I want to be fully satisfied,
To be happy and in love.
My dreams are still in the clouds
Settling down to my earth.
These visions are becoming more tangible each day.
Spoken words, interviews, introductions...
New York chasing, career chasing, love binding journey

I love you.
I know your watching...
We move in similar styles and paces
And I want this move to be together.
But I guess we shall see...

I Dare You...

You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day,
Lose my heart in time
Just thinking of your face
God only knows,
why it's taken me so long
To let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want.

I don't know why I'm scared,
Cause I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all.
You never know if you never try
To forgive your past and simply be mine.

I dare you to let me be,
your one and only.
Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms.
So come on and give me a chance,
To prove that I'm the one who can walk that mile,
until the end starts.
I've been on your mind
You hang on every word I say
Anxiety grows over time
Just thinking of my pain
Will I ever know, how it feels to know you love
just only me?
And have you tell me 'whichever road I choose you'll go'.

I feel the pressure in walking in the shadow,
following behind old memories,
has never been that easy.
I don't know why I'm scared
Cause I've been here before
Every fear, and every tear, I remember it all.
You'll never know if you never try,
To forgive your past, and simply be mine.

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
So here's mine.
Pressing forward in love
Carrying truth is not a crime.
Hidden by lies you know I'll find
Burdened by my own
Ashamed over our time.
Promised to do better so,
I dare you to let be
Your one and only.
I promise I'm worthy, to hold in your arms.
So come on and give me a chance
To prove I'm the one who can
Walk that mile,
until the end starts.
Nobody's perfect.
Trust me I've learned it.
So I dare you to love me
and to be your one and only.



**contains some lyrics from Adele**

Words

The power in these worthless words
Heard yet not completed
Words used to manipulate, to divide, to deceive
Fancily spoken in such an eloquent manner
Crafted to ease the troubles of any heart
I've exposed his words to the truth
I've revealed their true intent
The motive set behind meaningless words
Aimed to comfort a worried and lonely heart
His words became my enemy
Became the dagger in my soul
Feeding only to engulf my ears in a game,
A game trapped in his desperate fears.
His fear of loss,
Fear of loneliness
Fear of honesty.
There's guilt in your words, seasoned with salt
I taste them everytime
Its bitter to my mouth because this taste was so familiar.
Caught between two better choices
Your words bullied there way to keep your stay
A stay in a place you didn't deserve
A stay in a place you spoiled
Words broken to afix only the guilt you still bear
Words only poured when you feel you've been found out
Words ascribed to mend the tear you created
Your words are not armoured with a wrench
You gave me your words but it came with no hammer
Your words showed up on the job without any screws
The job is not done, you fixed nothing.
Breaking the tear even more
We're both laying broken
These meaningless words came without purpose
Only with motives to make you better
Selfishly deceiving so you still remain victim
Caught between two better choices
These words still haunt us at night
Me with the truth
Her with false hopes
Me knowing your game
Her being played
Those words mean nothing to me
Those words are all she has left.
Your words will soon be the downfall.
Words are not meant to fix unequipped.
Your words brought these tears,
I cry myself to sleep at night
Your words made me scream
Your words drove my car at 80mph on the city street
Just to get away from your words
The infidelity in your words are just as painful
I heard you murmur your words and lost all trust
Riding on hope like the one before
Because we know better than to hold to your words
Better I know better than to believe those words
Stabbed in the back, your words turned me around
So I could witness myself being stabbed in the heart
Your words were suppose to be endeared to me
Promises left your mouth but lies crept out
If words were all I had, then I have nothing anymore.
You sure are a great actor so take this advice
Let your words be your script and act it out.
For action is all that is seen.


**written a few months ago, just completed a few days ago. Wasn't going to post it but it's old so it works out fine.

NY Chasing...

I'm running after my own vision,
what my imagination has painted for years.
All those that know me well know that New York
is more than just two words placed to together to spell
out the most culturally binding place in the U.S.
but it spells out me. I've been lost in Baltimore yearning
for my own creative mind and imagery to soar, I'm worth so much
more than my hometown can offer me. I dream in neons while I live
in the black, white and grays of Maryland. What I seek is much
brighter and vibrant than this, the dulls of this town has been
wearing me down for a while now. I love who I am and what I've
become, knowing yet more is to be done.
My family is truly number one, but to be number one you have to
know when to fold. When to sacrifice all you can to attain all that
"I" am.

I'm proud to say I know exactly what I want out of life.
I dont just dream, I live.
I aspire and acquire.
Who I want to be, is who I'm becoming.
I am my dream and New York is where it's at!

Dreaming alone is no dreaming at all,
together by his side is really where I'd love to reside.
Peacefully embraced in his loving arms,
running, chasing, and tripping over our dreams together.
Promising and not compromising our visions, futures and dreams
for the other but supportively lifting the other to make it there.
With my arm stretched out wide I'm grabbing your hand...
"I'm a movement by myself, but we're a force when we're together.
Baby I'm good all by myself, but baby you, you make it better."

New York is my color of love, singing to me in purple.
Home of legends and stars and successes.
I'm on my way to be legendary, a star of the brightest light, succeeding beyond ordinary measure!


I'm chasing my concrete jungle where dreams are made of, there's nothing I can't do...

Would it be a challenge?

It wouldn't have been a challenge
just to make you smile everyday.
It wouldn't have been a challenge
to keep you happy.
Thinking of only what joy it must bring you
to be catered to so effortlessly.
The effort placed in providing your every need.
Money never wasted, but time never replaced.
Spending every minute to satisfy the unquenched
hunger that lies in the bowels of your stomach.
Providing fulfillment in every empty minute.
It wouldn't have been a challenge to occupy
all your thoughts.
To exhaust all my breath filling your mind
with endless words, fresh ideas and luxurious
metaphors to keep your intellect stimulated.
Filling your dreams with brighter, bigger and better
obstacles, reaching at every moment something unreached.
Soaring beyond impossibilities and attacking your worries
with new assurances.
You see it wouldn't have been a challenge to be
all that you needed,
to be needed, and heeded and loved.
It wouldn't have been a challenge to be everything you wanted,
to complete in you what you have been missing.
Enchanting you with a personality so whimsical
one could not predict the moods of the next day.
Moving with your mind as one in accord,
bonding ever still to the soul of your own creativity.
Challenged to become what I've promised in this,
perplexed at how with all this good one still finds fault,
complicated and difficult to understand why everything promising must
be found in error or flawed,
intrepid and confident that all can be saved
but doubtful of this pursuasive self-assurance.
See it would not have been a challenge if I were the only one.
It could not have been challenge because I would have easily succeeded.
Cocky and arrogant still, it wouldn't have been a challenge...
if I had just known the truth.

I LOVE the 90s!!

I LOVE the 90s

Oh the good times, from the Biggie to Lil Kim to Puff Daddy to J. Lo to N'sync to En Vogue to Salt N' Pepa to TLC. You just couldn't go wrong with music back that. Songs I loved the most, dance moves and all the wild clothes and colors. It was a era of creativity and uncensored expression. People were free to mix match and sing about almost anything. I'm a 90s girl at heart, though it was mostly spent watching Gargoyles, Power Rangers and Conan the Barbarian (I was a bit of a tomboy), I thoroughly enjoyed that childhood.

This year for my bday I celebrated it in great 90s style with a good old fashioned 90s themed house party!! Hip hop hooray! Featuring beats by Dj such & such aka Dreds aka Ass aka David aka Isaac aka my boyfriend lol! The party was small but celebrated with close family and friends and I danced the whole night away. This year I spent my birthday with people who mattered most and really through all other worries aside. I partied like it was 1999 and tootsie rolled for a good min. I miss my good natured 90s but I relived it for a night on my birthday.

Money well spent, and then celebrated the rest of my bday wknd relaxing and exercising with my bf at this gorgeous bed and breakfast...wish I could steal credit for it but he found it all by himself! He's a keeper! Definitely the best birthday I've had in a while and I'm glad it all came together in the end :) Shake a groove thing and get in touch with your 90s style.

I did NOT ask for this...my hood.

I wore my hoodie today,
hoping to hide my face
concealing my race
this nigga black I did not ask for.
I walked just down the street
just minutes from my own home
my hoodie failed me
my black was revealed.
This hood did not erase
this skin I did not ask for.
These stereotypes I've become.
This connotation my pigment carries.
My hood was not low enough
Red and rounded my hood outed my nigga-ness
Surrounded by white pointed hoods
my embarassment shown all around
nervous with bated breath
I walked cautiously through my OWN neighborhood
to go get a bottle of juice.
I walked down the pale faced streets
just to quench a thirst I should not have satisfied.
My hoodie was suppose to be my safe haven.
With eyes low to the ground I walked, did not run
back to where I was suppose to be safe.
My sanctuary within my own domain
not bothering any other soul
I was followed by a terrified white pointed hood
I was taunted by the fears of this pale faced conservative
I was haunted by the history of demeaning eyes
Darting in my direction I knew to keep a steady pace
I kept my hoodie over my face
to hide this nigga I did not choose to be.
I was just a black boy, not yet facing my own manhood.
I was not judged by my character,
by my life
by my choices
but by my hood
by my skin
considered a nigga
I was killed like one.
Attacked, demeaned, beaten and shot.
This hood was suppose to keep me safe
this hood was suppose to hide my face
conceal this race, my NIGGA BLACK THAT I DIDN'T ASK FOR.
I was not yet a man.
I was not yet legal to cast my own vote for freedom, peace and justice.
Who will seek mine now that I'm gone?
He wore a white pointed hood, and shot me
because my hood was not the same
I'm from a different hood,
In my OWN neighborhood I was slane.
I did not have to have been from the hood.
I wore a hoodie that was different from his.
Concealing my only difference, nigga black.
I did not ask for this death, I did not ask for this race.
But I am yet a dead black man who use to live in a white America.


RIP Trayvon Martin

Carefully considered Choice

Consciously contemplating my thought and where it started
Considering now more than ever how I got here
Carefully meditating on thoughts that have served me well before
Concerned that my own concerns hold no weight
Cautioned because the vulnerability already surrendered cannot be returned
Catering only to my own imagination
Callously stealing away the joy I felt I too deserved
Cynical to true reform, molding my mind to only accept the face of what I see.
Corrupted by past stigmas of what identity befallen
Cooperating to keep from shattering
Creating my space of peace, dealing in places where I know I'm safe.
Cold shoulders and hearts lay bear delivering harsh tones
Capturing in myself the innocence thrown away
Calculating how to escape the nightmare of drained fears
Capitalizing on the happiness that keeps the heart fonder yet still,
Contriving a solution for longer smiles
Capable of being every thing and nothing, more hope and faith leading me on
Comparable to that that still lingers and hinders
Coy but asserting those hushed feelings of before
Creeping to an inevitable end, for better or for worse
Captivating each day with a better memory.
Cloudy the sky but posing no threat,
Composing a way to trust and have trust earned
Carrying on for this is the only way I know.
Compromising not my value or self, but flaws and weaknesses
Completely fallen to love but smart in decision
Not my mistake, not by accident...you are my CHOICE.

Uncensored rants

I'm letting go, it's not easy but I'm stepping back slowly as I should. Mentally drained by the obession to belong somewhere I should not always tread. I'm pulling back moderately, staying within the lane I was created in. Within my own space I can completely be who I need to be to who I am with. It's ok to be gentle and submissive, yet crazy when the occassion calls for the drama, until that point I'll remain a lady. Not naive but confident and settled. Calmed by the faith that I have in God not in man, it's ok to worry but I will no longer obsess and frantically need a word in all works. I'll continue falling in love with this lion and taming whatever foolish comes.

In other news I am not fulfilled, haven't completed what I needed to. I am young but driven. Clear goals, wants and aspirations...journeying on a path I dreamt for myself. Haven't slipped a bit I'm discouraged that I wont get back on track. Intrepid but still doubtful at times, hoping this is just a temporary funk that can be fixed. I need the consistency of my developing brain, being fed by knowledge. I love being a student but I am no longer in the business of books and tuition, dammit. I will overcome but it's always a challenge. Over that matter...

Next, I need a hobby. I want to delve fully in the arts with respect to music, dance, spoken word/poetry, visual art (paintings, sketching, drawing), etc. But it takes time and money to have a fruitful hobby or habit. Money and time I don't have. Blogging though I love just writing for my own satisfaction it's hard to just write while knowing I have other shit to think about and handle, what the hell. When I think of doing something artful (lol) I realize, shit, I have bills and work and more work and fucking bills! Who has time to write about love and the complications of it when rent is due tomorrow? Such is life, the life I'm living. I dream of bigger vacations and I will continue to live my life in the clouds, touching the sky, traveling the seas, escaping the dim reality of the American Dream, not my reality, not my dream. I don't want the two and a half kids in a colonial home with a dog. Give me three boys and a girl, a yorkie miniature, millionaire dreaded leo husband and a big ass rancher/millionaire... filled with crazy art, MJ stuff, movies, and random ish collected on vacations. This paragraph got random as hell...moving on

sucks that success in America is measured in $$$, the more money the more success. thats the definition, i dont mind having or not having, but i rather have and be ok. i'm curious about odd side jobs as an extra financial comfort. i have a money maker mentality, born that way but its stressful. stripper or porn star at this point? lol. damn its tough out here, just being honest. i want my money the clean way without having to carry trays on my wrists...how do i do that? ughhh. no more paragraph rants.

Only you

Abounded not wounded.
Still here, breathing and moving.
Living in a pace set comfortably some time ago.
I've placed my faith in the hands of a force I do not see,
With quavering belief I do not doubt that I will reap
The rewards of my wanting and waiting heart.
Designed within the image of yourself
I am of his rib
Richly dark in the complexion of his perfection
We're of the same thread
Weakened in the same fabric of being,
Yet strengthened in our own confidence to succeed
Though I do not know of this future I'm hopeful in its root
I see right through the worried eyes
I've pushed completely through the complexity fallen
Certain and assured I have no fear
My mind, soul, and love remains here.

Always to be faithful of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see <3

Freedom of Speech

My freedom, my speech
Is it not those freedoms that was fought for?
My words dealt with such meaning
The power of my tone
Invoked by the haunting feelings
Cannot be related or belated
Rather to be said now
Within this moment
I use of my right
My freedom of speech.
My speech is different
I hear those that hear those that hear those not like me
My whispers, my cry, memories of past troubles
I'll speak, I'll scream to whomever
Whenever I feel slighted
I used my freedom of speech to eloquently recant my daydream
The one I muffled to not be heard
I used my freedom of speech to voice a voice not yet raised
But confident and steadfast in feeling
My voice was heard
It did in fact resonate passionately
To reverberate strongly and loudly
I used my freedom of speech to speak out against the injustice I felt
When you dealt me that low blow my speech blew back
You cannot stifle this speech I've been given.
My freedom, my speech
Your freedom, your speech
All is meaningless without the listening of
Who will be there to listen as my freedom speaks?

Just when I thought I was over you...

I thought I was over you
But here you still are
Laughing, taunting, invoking me
Focusing all my energy into demeaning the meaning of who I am
I thought I had kicked this habit
Facing more than what I can comfortably control
I am not in control of my own controlling behavior
I thought I was over you
But here you never left
The addiction of being in the know
Inciting things that never were
But playfully dangling before me thoughts of pain
I am a victim to my own demise
Murdering my securities in one clean look
Mischievous tricks played in the mind
Reminding me of what was supposed to be left behind
I thought I was over you
But you crept back in
Demanding your role to play pretend
I pretended you never existed
You remained the greener side
What I should have condemned became who I am
Volatile in nature
Yet my heart you still defend
Characterizing my very innocence into guilt
Pressuring me to keep an eye to my own back
But the past is the past
Not always of my own but buried at last
I thought I was over you
But you needed to win
To make sure I was more than just a friend
More than a new year’s kiss
More than a bed to sleep
More than warm night touches
I thought you were gone
But I brought you back to life
I fooled myself in playing the wife.
I dreamed of the day I’d let you go
Living more for me, not dwelling in woes
I’ll keep existing knowing you won’t be around
I thought you were gone
But you’re still here I found.



Karma is a bitch but jealousy plays worse tricks.

Changed, I am You.

I've contemplated the meaning of you
Your scent is familiar yet strange
I've been inquisitive
I'm curious at heart
Unpredictable yet intrepidly seeking
The known yet unknown to me
Pedantic in the daunting elaborations
Of my own whimsical imagination.
You fear what I already know to be certain.
Evidenced and proven
We have flourished.
Achieved and overcome
Youthfully chasing the dream we're living
Living vicariously in our own vigilance
Endowed to my new reality
I am you.
You are familiar and strange
Just like your scent,
I'm baffled by you.
Steadfast and unshaken I cannot be released
Manipulating every opportunity to be
Everlasting within my own favor.
Cautioned but vibrantly attending to my desire
I've read verbatim your garrulous attempt to make sense
Of who you are, what you have become.
I am aware of the sincerity in your eyes
The familiarity felt within your promise
The strangeness too of the novel experience
Contingent upon my own aptitude to yield
The striking difference of your past existence
I am you.
Prudent and enthralled
I too have evolved.
Changing, developing, growing
Just like you
You are familiar
Yet strange.
You are new.
And I am you.

I am here!

I'm strong enough to endure
I've proven this before
But I am tired and sore
Can't have her take my time anymore.

I'm here.
Can't you see me?
I'm standing right here.
Yelling, screaming, begging you
To see me.
Open your eyes,
I've been standing near you all this time.
Waiting to be seen.
Waiting to grab your attention
Even when I have it,
I see you thinking.
I see you wondering
Wandering, pondering, venting.
Lementing, vehemently over thoughts of yesterday.
But here I am.
I'm your today.
Here I am.
Wanting to be your now,
During our right now.
Does she still own what I've taken?
Stolen, damn near revoked?
Yes, me.
I want to be your wandering thought,
your lasting idea.
The ringing voice in your ear.
When you sleep at night your last vision in sight,
Yes, me.
Can you see my face?
Open your eyes when you kiss me, so its my lips you know you're kissing.
My being you know you've embraced.
This is my body, my face.
Don't forget it.
This is our now.
We're living in my time.
Because, yes, I'm here.

I'm strong enough to endure,
Yes I've done it all before
I remember that feeling of being sore
And I swear I'll feel it no more.

This is our us, we are our we.

Never in my wildest dreams would I imagine how quickly hurt breeds happiness.
All in one confession everything was flipped around.
It may not be easily understood by any but makes perfect sense to me.
I was selfish and wanted everything with only having given half of my own.
I know it sounds crazy but I knew full well what lost felt like
I've been lost before, moving with no direction and nowhere to go.
I hit the same stumbling block again,
But for some reason this time I chose not to go down the same road.
This time I chose to drive on a course that meant vulnerability
An ultimate sacrifice of myself that could leave me lonely and criticized
Ostracized, judged, broken and undefended.
I chose to take the road that meant being naked
Feeling completely placed on the spot
I took the road of humility, admitting to my weakness, challenges and wrongs.
No longer masking the lies I swore never to confess.
The response to my road was a challenging one yet yielded my happiness.
It yielded the one answer I had been waiting for, for so long
It yielded the commitmenet and question I knew would inevitably lead to our bliss.
Like I said not fully comprehendable by the crowd but our us, our we, didn't mind the skepticism, because our us, our we knew better than to confide only what we knew to be true, our love.
Yes our us, and our we have been tattered and bruised.
However, our resiliency came through and proved to powerful to the failing pasts of our own past.
We became our us.
Today I am apart of our we, and I've been permanently smiling ever since.