Queasy and Uneasy Feeling

I have this uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach

Making it's way far deeper and beyond my soul telling me...

That I fucked up.

Not necessarily because I did anything wrong

But because I may have really hurt and upset the one person I love

More than anything I want to be able to prove that I'm the one.

That I can be all that he wants and needs.

Satisfy those urges and fulfill that happiness.

I fall short each and every time.

In being who I am...

Indecisive, quirky, crazy, sensitive, irrational, discerning, contemplative, wild, random, optimistic, inquisitive, curious, pedantic, determined, clever, rude, persistent, annoying, funny, charming, aloof, witty, sarcastic, mysterious, sly and sometimes shy...

I seem to have lost out on balancing it out for someone else

I place all that I am so frantically in one place and don't make room for proper adjustments

As much as I can blend in, I hate not standing out

Not being heard

Not being felt.

I fucked up.

He stormed out.

I called.

He cursed.

I tried to render in what my eyes could amount to a deal breaking end

A solution, an answer,

Something that would express this unexplainable

Gut wrenching queasy and uneasy feeling

I get when I know he's not ok.

That feeling that always reappears when voices are lifted,

Tone is haunting

Eyes are piercing

And body is tensed

I tried to run and hide but I am too confrontational not to say a word

I can't keep my mouth shut.

It was innocent.

I've swore on just about any living and inanimate object.

Throwing away my own soul if it meant removing this scarlet letter.

I am not leaving.

I did nothing wrong.

I've made you uncomfortable and this was my fault.

I awkwardly make decisions sometimes in thinking you would understand.

I was wrong.

I should have said something sooner

But this is all I have left.

Don't cast me away like this was all a mistake

Don't leave me tomorrow as your biggest regret.

What is love?

I was woken from sleep tonight worried like a mom about where someone was, I found him. Then my frantic mind in desperation to fall back asleep thought about everything else under the sun. In moments of worry nothing else matters but to solve the riddle of Where are you'? and Are you ok? It is within those moments that secondary feelings and thoughts go straight out the window. I had forgotten just that quick that it was nearly 5am, that I had to be up for work in another 2.5 hours and that I really hadn't slept much at all. My preoccupation to be in the know led me to him. He was fine and I tucked him in. My insanity drove me to reflect on where my life was going, where my mind was, and why my heart was still palpitating so loudly. Beating, ringing and banging in my ears I realized I was not about to fall back asleep easily. I rediscovered an addition to what my lifelong definition of love was. In that moment and space I knew I was scared and worried so much because I was in love. Sounds quite stretched but in actuality it's not. Love in fact will make you worry. It will wake you up for no reason at all, in sound sleep at 5am when you have to be up for work at 8am, just to look out the window because you can not remember seeing someone make it back in. My love scared me half to death when I no longer saw it laying 4 inches away from me at 5am.

I love hard and I love strong. My love compliments my love for life and capturing the essence of what it means to enjoy every minute of it. Today I love better than how I loved years before. Today I love better than how I loved yesterday. Today I understand the power that my love can bring to my love. Today I loved passionately. To me love is more than what can be sensibly defined. To fully be able to place in words what love actually means, limits how one can fully express it. Love is more than gestures, emotions, tears, actions, words, expressions, sweet whispers, thoughtful goodbyes, hugs and kisses. Love is ultimately sacrifice. They go hand in hand. I don't want to be "in love" I've been there and done that. I don't want to be here, happy, then hurt and gone. To be "in love" is an flimsy imitation of what love is, it's the sensual infatuation and bond you have with someone you happen to fancy at the moment. But the minute you are not satisfied or happy then to be "in love" has ended. "In love" is a conditional type of love, it comes and goes and is conditional upon how the partner who is 'imperfect' responds to your 'imperfect' actions, wants, demands, and expectations. To be 'in love' does not last, is not real. Any contingencies on love is not love at all. (All my personal opinion so disagreement is welcome.)

I rather love, endlessly and uninhibitedly. To love someone until the end of time. What is love? Love can be everything and nothing at the same time. Love can be found in the silences that two have when they have both come to the same epiphany at the same time. Love can be found in a smile. Love can be kept away because it is all too powerful to be shared at once. My love sees me everyday. My love asks me for advice and shares with me intimate woes of life because he knows I will understand it. My love is not afraid to talk to me. My love does not shy away from confrontation. My love gets me, and I get him. I love because I now understand that I am taking this risk. I love because now I have grown and I don't care to be "in love" though I cannot help it from happening, I am. However, I love because despite if my love ever loves me back, ever reaches my imperfect expectations, ever sweeps me off my feet, ever forgives my flaws, ever understands statistics, ever leaves his old loves, or ever sees all of me...I will have loved my love because I've risked it all. Not knowing what will happen in the next second but still going forth to see what happens explains what I am in this love. I am scared of the what comes next, but I am boldly marching towards it...with steady feet, eyes open and a heart ready to delve head first...I am journeying towards love. I am there. It was at 5am when I was woken by the worry of my love when I realized I am here. It was on Tuesday 11/15 while my love shared with me his own fears and worries, and none of that mattered to the "us" I have created, that I realized that I am here. It was at my first tears when I worried that my love may still leavev to chase his old love when I knew I am here. It was in the moments when I contemplated leaving when I realized I am here. It is in the mornings when all I want to do is lay in bed hold my love tight and smell his beater, that I knew I am here. It is my nights when I remember that my love is not perfect but I'd have it no other way, when when I realized I am here.

I'd give up everything to have everything that I have now. We came here unconventionally but it was in our journey when I found love, it was in this crazy journey when I realized I am here...and there is no turning back now.

I am Ready

I am ready for love....

Why are you hiding from me?

I'd quickly give my freedom, to be held in your captivity

I am ready for love...

All of the joy and the pain

And all the time that it takes

Just to stay in your good grace.

Lately I've been thinking maybe your not ready for me

Maybe you think I need to learn maturity

They say watch what you ask for

Cause you might receive

But if you ask me tomorrow

I'll say the same thing

I am ready for love...

Would you please lend me your ear?

I promise I wont complain

I just need you to acknowledge I am here.

If you give me half a chance I'd prove this to you

I will be patient, kind, faithful and true

To a man who loves music

A man who loves art

Respects the spirit world

And thinks with his heart.

I am ready for love...

If you'll take me in your hands

I will learn what you teach,

And do the best that I can.

I am ready for love...

Here with an offering of

My voice, my eyes, my soul, my mind

Tell me what is enough?...

To prove I am ready for love.

I am ready.

Lately...

Lately everything has been going exactly as I never expected or predicted. The whimsical and unpredictable turns in life keeps you on the edge of your seat. And I've been riding on the edge of my seat since Oct 16, 2010 (lol). Can't clearly know what's ahead just hoping it'll be promising. I indulge in the flaws of my dreaded affection, it's what keeps the intrigue fresh. The words unspoken makes the interest grow fonder....my speechless expressions will tell you when I need you most. I'm enthralled in what I hope to be not a journey into folly. I expect nothing in the end but I still want it all. I am dedicated to working harder to make myself better for myself and a potential other half. Can't quit now, too far in :)

Confused

I've been here before...

The uneasy and unsettling feeling that leaves you

Baffled, confused, befuddled, contemplative, inquisitive

I hate this feeling more than any other

Because the fear of making the wrong decision

The regret and what ifs that you leave behind if you make the wrong turn

I'm at a fork in the road

Battling between heart and mind

I'm quite familiar to this game but I don't know what move to play

Should I stay or go?

I would love to fight through the uncertainty but I can't stand to fail

I don't want to remember what it feels like to make a stand for nothing

I've fallen victim to my heart's desire for love and lost

I will not lose again

I run the risk of being hurt again, yet I take that risk for the sake of happiness

I am happy

He makes me happy

He makes me smile

But he sometimes makes me sad

He makes me cry

He makes me feel unsure

The worst feeling in the world

I will overcome

I will be assured

I will make my stand

Because I will never fall victim again

***I'm short of an emotional mess, growing closer to insanity. I will be ok.

You were just suppose to be...

You were only just suppose to be for my body

Enticed by the tantalizing passion growing between

What would become of you and me

Never expecting our "us" to become a "we"

A selfish kind of interest sparked by simple physical attraction

But more of you became satisfying

Engaging my mind to take in more than just what meets the eye

Encouraging my soul to crave for those conversations that could produce no definite end

See I gave you what in my mind was a 4 day stay

A charming fling of desires fulfilled by a spine tingling enthrallment of overnight visits

Prolonging that vacation to a getaway resort of complete satisfaction

However, more and more of me was getting hooked

As if you cast your rod specifically so I could/would get caught (up)

Dangerously embarking further in this simple lust finding more interest than imagined before

You were just suppose to be for my body

Now dependent upon that physical need, my body would cry for yours on nights missed

Appointments, scheduled visits and work days

Call outs, promises of the next installment

See nothing was becoming enough

Awakened by a playful relationship of cat and mouse

Falling a little more deeply, growing closer to something that could still not be defined.

Yet never naiively so giving up of everything I knew I could lose because...

You were just suppose to be for my body

Trust, love and hope was out of the question

My heart was committed and contracted to take no part of you

I knew better

I know better than to let that get away

A vulnerability I could control and lock away from the powerful 8 and some inches of your persuasive glory

But now my mind is of some confused sorts, mixing my wants and needs. Allowing myself to get away more than expected.

I've let you creep and capture two forbidden keepsakes.

More than just an endearing hook-up, booty call or kick-it

Slipping, falling, damn near jumped from the intended mission of what was suppose to be a temporary fix.

See you were just suppose to be for my body

But now it seems you may have become something more

Meta-morphed into a vision of promise

Deepening a connection from the shallow expectations, truly not having expected anything at all, yet resulting in way more.

You are more than what my body could have asked for

And now I'm not sure what more I should seek,

because you were just suppose to be for my body...

But these growing feelings are reaching its peak

A Cautioned Heart

Again,

Breathe in deeply hold for two seconds then release

There goes my heart, just skipped another beat

Do I care?

Is that what is going on?

My heart is beginning to do things my mind has not told it to do.

Yet I know I can't really stop it

Just hold it enough so it doesn't move without me

Wrap my heart up so tightly that even the softest of touches, the kindest of words, the deepest of strokes would still not come close because it stayed kept away just like I told it to and there it shall remain so I will always knwo where to find it

Where to go when I want to feel

When I want to remember

When I want to love

Keep my heart locked up so it could not be foolishly seduced and induced into an impassionate affair from another charming, loquacious, alluring type

To abuse, use and throw away....something so sacred to me

That I gave up, that I shared

And yet I still hate to say I ever cared

Because to admit the truth admits the pain, that admits the fault, and reveals my shame

That reminds me that I cant go back

That still so harshly echoes "its happened before"

That this weak heart was once whole and strong, unscathed and uncensored

Told all its secrets, dropped all its game, came out boldly and screamed his name

Why can't I be consistent?

To live so ruthlessly that even I forget

Disregarding my own being to become a vessel of smothing I thought would be better

I've managed well

Managing just enough to live without living

To feel without truly feeling -- anything at all

To be impenetrable

"Oh I wish my heart would just be quiet for a second"

It's beating so loudly that I can barely think

I just need this moment to get my mind together because I know I am much wiser than this

"Its not your affair"

"Oh heart please stay out of this!

Mind your own business because I don't want you to interrupt and takeover.

I have this under control.

And if you would only give me the time

The opportunity to put things back to where they should be

I promise you wouldn't be so confused

I have everything exactly where I want"

Yet my heart still wants in

Bidding in a place, in the moments, in this space that I told it to stay away from

"Why do you want to show up now?"

"Is it something I said?

Is it something he did?

Because here you go feeling again,

Thumping and beating and longing...again

And I can't warn you enough because you know what happens next

Don't you remember?!

Don't tell me you forgot what it felt like to ache and be in pain

You, rather we, were a mess

Cry...beat...stop...beat...breathe...scream...stop...beat

Your rhythm was all thrown off

And it took so long for you to get that beat back again

To beat and thump regularly like you use to

You were so weak then."

Don't be so quick to fall for it

It's persuasive smile

Those subtle white lies

Them clever lines

But feeling so real this time

He's a depiction of what you always wanted

Figment of something that seems so delightful

Tested, persevered, weathered yet not worn

Continuously outlasting what I expected

Endless charm perusing through frozen emotions

Beating and beating, even louder and harder than before

I pray that you can manage this fight

Because I'm falling and falling hard...

Tumultuous Game of Want and Gain

Critically acclaiming never to be a callous cynic again

Perusing through elusive emotions of passion, want and fiery desire

Gallantly yet graciously reconstructing my shield with fervor

Frenzied but intrepid

Vehemently denying its feeble and transparent past

Boldly exalting myself beyond my own measure

Rejecting the pious belief that everything can be subjugated independently

Yet pleasantly accepting accredited love as it comes

Validating even if only for myself the inevitable fate

Depreciating the cycle of disappointment

Disenchanted by the pessimistic perils of that thin line between love and hate

Enthralled by the illusions of fancy

Hastened to endorse the idealistic courtship

Entrusting all that is available, while for the moment proving that yet even more can be attained

Dismembering the fickle heart and bitterness

Tampering only with tact in times of true ambiguity of what appears to be intangible

Exacting dexterity to determine the dividend to each end

Meticulously managing to maintain all that I like (him)

However, still, eluding more of what I want (him)

This was written over the summer during my emotional exploratory phase for the mans i spoke about in the last blog. I will post more poems about him because he has been a bit of the focal point for my last writings. Enjoy :)

Why Hello Again....

So it's been 2 years since I last blogged on here. Many things have occurred and changed in my life since then...thank God. However, those challenges and triumphs has reshaped me into the person I am today. Since i've last blogged these are my updates:::

- got my BA in social work may 2010!! X)

- got mi own apartment

- my last 3 cars have died and live new lives...RIP

- got a new swanky car piece named carlito (2011 all black hyundai elantra)

- new full time job in my field of social work working with juveniles

- pursuing my masters in social work (MSW) at of all places Morgan State :/

- have a temp part time gig

- made new friends...mostly a bunch of party-ers like myself :)

- found some new party spots

- learned how to hookah lol ---that is an accomplishment, dont judge me

- writing again not as much as i would like but enough

- cruised to mexico (again) fun times.

- met and dated around since my ex and....

- i have a new mans! yes a man this time and he makes me :) couldnt b more perfect.

more to be expressed abt him later however cuz this blog was simply for updates. so that concludes more important updates for now. clearly my life has hit a 180 and i'm proud to say that i am exactly where i want to be at this age and point in my life. there are still a few bumps in life but where would i be without a few big dips in my rollercoaster of life? with all things moving forward i'm sure to accomplish and have more victories in the future....more blogs to come!