I'm letting go, it's not easy but I'm stepping back slowly as I should. Mentally drained by the obession to belong somewhere I should not always tread. I'm pulling back moderately, staying within the lane I was created in. Within my own space I can completely be who I need to be to who I am with. It's ok to be gentle and submissive, yet crazy when the occassion calls for the drama, until that point I'll remain a lady. Not naive but confident and settled. Calmed by the faith that I have in God not in man, it's ok to worry but I will no longer obsess and frantically need a word in all works. I'll continue falling in love with this lion and taming whatever foolish comes.
In other news I am not fulfilled, haven't completed what I needed to. I am young but driven. Clear goals, wants and aspirations...journeying on a path I dreamt for myself. Haven't slipped a bit I'm discouraged that I wont get back on track. Intrepid but still doubtful at times, hoping this is just a temporary funk that can be fixed. I need the consistency of my developing brain, being fed by knowledge. I love being a student but I am no longer in the business of books and tuition, dammit. I will overcome but it's always a challenge. Over that matter...
Next, I need a hobby. I want to delve fully in the arts with respect to music, dance, spoken word/poetry, visual art (paintings, sketching, drawing), etc. But it takes time and money to have a fruitful hobby or habit. Money and time I don't have. Blogging though I love just writing for my own satisfaction it's hard to just write while knowing I have other shit to think about and handle, what the hell. When I think of doing something artful (lol) I realize, shit, I have bills and work and more work and fucking bills! Who has time to write about love and the complications of it when rent is due tomorrow? Such is life, the life I'm living. I dream of bigger vacations and I will continue to live my life in the clouds, touching the sky, traveling the seas, escaping the dim reality of the American Dream, not my reality, not my dream. I don't want the two and a half kids in a colonial home with a dog. Give me three boys and a girl, a yorkie miniature, millionaire dreaded leo husband and a big ass rancher/millionaire... filled with crazy art, MJ stuff, movies, and random ish collected on vacations. This paragraph got random as hell...moving on
sucks that success in America is measured in $$$, the more money the more success. thats the definition, i dont mind having or not having, but i rather have and be ok. i'm curious about odd side jobs as an extra financial comfort. i have a money maker mentality, born that way but its stressful. stripper or porn star at this point? lol. damn its tough out here, just being honest. i want my money the clean way without having to carry trays on my wrists...how do i do that? ughhh. no more paragraph rants.
No comments:
Post a Comment