What is love?

I was woken from sleep tonight worried like a mom about where someone was, I found him. Then my frantic mind in desperation to fall back asleep thought about everything else under the sun. In moments of worry nothing else matters but to solve the riddle of Where are you'? and Are you ok? It is within those moments that secondary feelings and thoughts go straight out the window. I had forgotten just that quick that it was nearly 5am, that I had to be up for work in another 2.5 hours and that I really hadn't slept much at all. My preoccupation to be in the know led me to him. He was fine and I tucked him in. My insanity drove me to reflect on where my life was going, where my mind was, and why my heart was still palpitating so loudly. Beating, ringing and banging in my ears I realized I was not about to fall back asleep easily. I rediscovered an addition to what my lifelong definition of love was. In that moment and space I knew I was scared and worried so much because I was in love. Sounds quite stretched but in actuality it's not. Love in fact will make you worry. It will wake you up for no reason at all, in sound sleep at 5am when you have to be up for work at 8am, just to look out the window because you can not remember seeing someone make it back in. My love scared me half to death when I no longer saw it laying 4 inches away from me at 5am.

I love hard and I love strong. My love compliments my love for life and capturing the essence of what it means to enjoy every minute of it. Today I love better than how I loved years before. Today I love better than how I loved yesterday. Today I understand the power that my love can bring to my love. Today I loved passionately. To me love is more than what can be sensibly defined. To fully be able to place in words what love actually means, limits how one can fully express it. Love is more than gestures, emotions, tears, actions, words, expressions, sweet whispers, thoughtful goodbyes, hugs and kisses. Love is ultimately sacrifice. They go hand in hand. I don't want to be "in love" I've been there and done that. I don't want to be here, happy, then hurt and gone. To be "in love" is an flimsy imitation of what love is, it's the sensual infatuation and bond you have with someone you happen to fancy at the moment. But the minute you are not satisfied or happy then to be "in love" has ended. "In love" is a conditional type of love, it comes and goes and is conditional upon how the partner who is 'imperfect' responds to your 'imperfect' actions, wants, demands, and expectations. To be 'in love' does not last, is not real. Any contingencies on love is not love at all. (All my personal opinion so disagreement is welcome.)

I rather love, endlessly and uninhibitedly. To love someone until the end of time. What is love? Love can be everything and nothing at the same time. Love can be found in the silences that two have when they have both come to the same epiphany at the same time. Love can be found in a smile. Love can be kept away because it is all too powerful to be shared at once. My love sees me everyday. My love asks me for advice and shares with me intimate woes of life because he knows I will understand it. My love is not afraid to talk to me. My love does not shy away from confrontation. My love gets me, and I get him. I love because I now understand that I am taking this risk. I love because now I have grown and I don't care to be "in love" though I cannot help it from happening, I am. However, I love because despite if my love ever loves me back, ever reaches my imperfect expectations, ever sweeps me off my feet, ever forgives my flaws, ever understands statistics, ever leaves his old loves, or ever sees all of me...I will have loved my love because I've risked it all. Not knowing what will happen in the next second but still going forth to see what happens explains what I am in this love. I am scared of the what comes next, but I am boldly marching towards it...with steady feet, eyes open and a heart ready to delve head first...I am journeying towards love. I am there. It was at 5am when I was woken by the worry of my love when I realized I am here. It was on Tuesday 11/15 while my love shared with me his own fears and worries, and none of that mattered to the "us" I have created, that I realized that I am here. It was at my first tears when I worried that my love may still leavev to chase his old love when I knew I am here. It was in the moments when I contemplated leaving when I realized I am here. It is in the mornings when all I want to do is lay in bed hold my love tight and smell his beater, that I knew I am here. It is my nights when I remember that my love is not perfect but I'd have it no other way, when when I realized I am here.

I'd give up everything to have everything that I have now. We came here unconventionally but it was in our journey when I found love, it was in this crazy journey when I realized I am here...and there is no turning back now.