Again,
Breathe in deeply hold for two seconds then release
There goes my heart, just skipped another beat
Do I care?
Is that what is going on?
My heart is beginning to do things my mind has not told it to do.
Yet I know I can't really stop it
Just hold it enough so it doesn't move without me
Wrap my heart up so tightly that even the softest of touches, the kindest of words, the deepest of strokes would still not come close because it stayed kept away just like I told it to and there it shall remain so I will always knwo where to find it
Where to go when I want to feel
When I want to remember
When I want to love
Keep my heart locked up so it could not be foolishly seduced and induced into an impassionate affair from another charming, loquacious, alluring type
To abuse, use and throw away....something so sacred to me
That I gave up, that I shared
And yet I still hate to say I ever cared
Because to admit the truth admits the pain, that admits the fault, and reveals my shame
That reminds me that I cant go back
That still so harshly echoes "its happened before"
That this weak heart was once whole and strong, unscathed and uncensored
Told all its secrets, dropped all its game, came out boldly and screamed his name
Why can't I be consistent?
To live so ruthlessly that even I forget
Disregarding my own being to become a vessel of smothing I thought would be better
I've managed well
Managing just enough to live without living
To feel without truly feeling -- anything at all
To be impenetrable
"Oh I wish my heart would just be quiet for a second"
It's beating so loudly that I can barely think
I just need this moment to get my mind together because I know I am much wiser than this
"Its not your affair"
"Oh heart please stay out of this!
Mind your own business because I don't want you to interrupt and takeover.
I have this under control.
And if you would only give me the time
The opportunity to put things back to where they should be
I promise you wouldn't be so confused
I have everything exactly where I want"
Yet my heart still wants in
Bidding in a place, in the moments, in this space that I told it to stay away from
"Why do you want to show up now?"
"Is it something I said?
Is it something he did?
Because here you go feeling again,
Thumping and beating and longing...again
And I can't warn you enough because you know what happens next
Don't you remember?!
Don't tell me you forgot what it felt like to ache and be in pain
You, rather we, were a mess
Cry...beat...stop...beat...breathe...scream...stop...beat
Your rhythm was all thrown off
And it took so long for you to get that beat back again
To beat and thump regularly like you use to
You were so weak then."
Don't be so quick to fall for it
It's persuasive smile
Those subtle white lies
Them clever lines
But feeling so real this time
He's a depiction of what you always wanted
Figment of something that seems so delightful
Tested, persevered, weathered yet not worn
Continuously outlasting what I expected
Endless charm perusing through frozen emotions
Beating and beating, even louder and harder than before
I pray that you can manage this fight
Because I'm falling and falling hard...
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